There is a particular, deafening volume to a 6am alarm on a Saturday morning when you wake up hungover, in rural Germany, lying next to a naked punk. For one 20-year-old British traveller in the summer of 2014, this was the jarring soundtrack to a night out in Cologne that took a wildly unexpected turn.
From London to the Open Road
The adventure began as part of a European road trip. The writer, then aged 20, joined an older friend—a man in his 40s—and his boyfriend for their annual summer exploration. The friend's prized attributes of both a driving licence and a vehicle, a rare combination in London, made him the perfect tour guide. Their journey wove through historic cities including Krakow, Gdansk, and Vienna, each stop offering its own story, from a confusing encounter with a lady of the night in Poland to a completely forgotten night in Berlin.
A Chance Encounter in a Cavernous Club
The narrative reached its pivotal moment in Cologne. Inside a vast gay club, the writer's eyes landed on a distinctive figure: a pale punk with a bright green mohawk, dancing energetically in a Donnie Darko T-shirt. Inspired by a past quote from Nicole Richie about liking men who looked "really skinny and pale and look like they’re dying", the writer struck up a conversation. After sharing a horrible energy drink and hours of dancing, the pair found themselves in a taxi, speeding away from the city lights.
The writer had assumed, given the punk's aesthetic, that his home would be a chic urban loft. The reality was starkly different. The taxi journey ended roughly 30 miles outside Cologne, at a ramshackle chalet surrounded by a collapsing fence. In the darkness, the ghostly shapes of llamas moved silently, with chickens softly cooing nearby. The interior was illuminated by a brutally bright light, revealing a dilapidated sofa covered in burst mesh fabric.
The Dawn of Realisation and Rescue
The ensuing events—including an awkward romantic encounter involving budget cooking spray—culminated in a bleary-eyed morning after. Using the single remaining bar of signal on an iPhone 4, the writer called for backup. His friends, true to form, arrived promptly in their van. The scene they witnessed was unforgettable: their friend, half-dressed and hungover, pulling a heavy oak door shut with a field of braying llamas as a backdrop.
The shared laughter that followed cemented a profound lesson. This surreal misadventure underscored that the most valuable thing one can have is friends who offer no judgment, only a rescue mission. They are the ones who will collect you from a remote German llama farm with Heidi Montag's 'Superficial' playing at full volume, turning a potential nightmare into a legendary story of camaraderie.
