Love at first sight may be a staple of romantic comedies, but researchers suggest a more grounded reality: falling in love within the first 45 minutes could be achievable through a structured psychological exercise. According to experts, tackling 36 simple questions over three-quarters of an hour can significantly deepen connections with anyone, potentially sparking romantic feelings.
The Science Behind the 36 Questions
This principle originates from a set of psychological tools developed in the 1990s by American psychologist Arthur Aron, designed to create a sense of closeness between total strangers in laboratory settings. The process involves sitting across from a partner and taking turns asking and answering 36 questions, divided into three sets that progressively become more personal and revealing.
How the Questions Work
The game starts with relatively mundane queries, such as 'What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?' However, by the 45-minute mark, participants delve into deeply probing questions like 'When did you last cry in front of another person?' Professor Viren Swami, a love psychology expert from Anglia Ruskin University, explains that this method fosters a profound emotional connection through reciprocal disclosure.
'The main mechanism that helps build closeness in the 36 questions is reciprocal disclosure,' says Professor Swami. 'This is when sharing intimate information about oneself prompts the other person to share similarly intimate information about themselves.' This exchange is crucial for relationship development, as it demonstrates willingness to be responsive and vulnerable, building mutual trust and liking.
Effectiveness and Limitations
Research supports the efficacy of this approach. Original American studies found that participants who completed the questions reported feeling closer than those engaged in small talk. A 2021 study further confirmed that answering the 36 questions increased liking for partners, perceived responsiveness, and enjoyment during conversations.
However, Professor Swami cautions that the 'fast friends procedure' does not guarantee instant love. 'It does not produce feelings of loyalty, dependence, or commitment between strangers – key ingredients for love,' he notes. Additionally, it may not foster respect, passion, romance, or physical attraction, which typically require more time to develop.
Applications Beyond Romance
Despite these limitations, the 36 questions are not useless in romantic contexts. They can provide an emotional headstart for new relationships and deepen existing ones. For instance, in 'double date' trials where existing couples answer the questions with another couple, participants reported increased feelings of closeness and even greater levels of 'passionate love' for their partners, as shown in a 2014 study.
Moreover, this method can enhance various relationships. Studies indicate that adapted versions for parents and children lead kids to feel 'more loved', highlighting its versatility in fostering emotional bonds across different dynamics.
How to Implement the 36 Questions
To try this exercise, sit opposite your conversation partner and agree on a time frame of 20 to 45 minutes. Divide the time equally among the three sets of questions, taking turns to ask and answer each one in order without skipping. Alternate who answers first for each question to ensure balanced participation.
Sample Questions from Each Set
- Set I: Includes queries like 'Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?' and 'Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?'
- Set II: Features deeper questions such as 'What is your most treasured memory?' and 'How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?'
- Set III: Concludes with highly personal prompts like 'Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it.'
By rapidly escalating the intimacy of questions and responses, this artificially accelerated sharing allows two people to bypass the normally slow bonding process, making the 36 questions a powerful tool for building closeness, even if it does not always lead to love.
