Excruciating Yet Rewarding: How a Cult Dating Book Led Me to Love
Years of singlehood, dating apps, and humiliating set-ups had left me deeply skeptical about finding love. But when a friend recommended Calling in the One by Katherine Woodward Thomas, I reluctantly embarked on a seven-week journey that would change everything. This workbook, originally published in 2004 and updated in 2021, promises to help readers "attract the love of your life" by examining attitudes, behaviors, and narratives that might be holding them back.
The Skeptic's Leap
As a hardwired cynic, I had tried everything from leaving flirty notes to neighbors to paying a matchmaker $6,000, all with disappointing results. My scarcity mindset fueled fears about aging and the dystopian nature of modern dating. Yet, with nothing left to lose, I agreed to dive into this book, which my friend framed as an accountability partnership rather than a casual recommendation.
Woodward Thomas, a California-based therapist who coined the term "conscious uncoupling," speaks with a calming, regulated demeanor that immediately disarms skepticism. She shared her own story of being single at 41 and manifesting a loving partner by her 42nd birthday, emphasizing that the book is about bridging the chasm between wanting love and being truly available for it.
The Grueling Process
Calling in the One is no light read; it demands daily lessons and exercises ranging from meditative to excruciating. Over 13 weeks—longer than the suggested seven—I confronted my tendencies to people-please and play it "cool," unpacked subconscious promises from my parents, and wrote lists of bad habits. The book holds up a mirror, and sometimes the reflection is uncomfortable, but it encourages responsibility without blame.
Katie Schloss, a licensed social worker, recommends the book to clients, noting it's perfect for those burned out on dating or not yet ready to date. Mercedes Delusive, an entrepreneur, credits it with helping her overcome codependency and attract love beyond her previous checklist, even leading her to date women.
Mixed Reactions and Personal Breakthroughs
Not everyone is a believer; some dismiss the book as cult-y or ineffective, with Reddit threads full of naysayers. As a Black woman, I initially doubted its relevance to my experiences, but as I committed, those concerns faded. The book helped me recognize my hypercritical, emotionally avoidant nature and let go of societal pressures to be "chill."
One of the final exercises involved writing an implausible timeline to meet a partner. I set mine for September, but after delays, I returned to dating apps in November. A week later, I met my now-boyfriend, who embodies the qualities I had written about during the exercises. Our relationship, now over two years strong, is free of games and full of authenticity.
The Power of Self-Discovery
Woodward Thomas admits she took a leap of faith in writing the book, and the 12 women who first tested it in 2004 are still with their partners today. While results vary, the book serves as a GPS for love, reducing friction by guiding readers toward self-discovery. It's not a guarantee, but for those who have tried everything else, it might just be worth the excruciating effort.
