Dear Coleen,
I have been seeing someone for about a month. I told him about my past relationships and what I went through. I said I wanted to take things slowly but, after some words of wisdom from his best friend, I chose to just go for it and we had sex.
We both fell for each other and I already have deep feelings for him, but the other day we got into a conversation about TikTok and I saw he had a woman's name underneath his. I asked him who she was and his reply was, “Why?”
He then admitted they had been together, but she was controlling so he ended it. Things felt a bit awkward afterwards but then returned to normal.
Then, the other night my best friend told me she had looked him up on Facebook and saw the TikTok woman had posted on his page, declaring her love for him.
My heart feels broken, my head feels messy. I know he has cheated in his past relationships. He also told me he does not use Facebook, yet I found out he does. We have barely spoken since all this came to light. We have arranged to talk soon, but I feel sick. How do I approach the situation and what do I say to him?
Coleen says
I think it is worrying that he has lied to you right at the start of the relationship, and maybe he has been telling you what you want to hear to keep you on board. Who knows what he is saying to this other woman to keep her on board! Look, we all have a past and, if he had not lied to you, then I would be suggesting you give him a chance to prove he is worthy of your trust.
However, it does seem that things might not be over with this other woman – certainly not in her eyes. So, be upfront. Have a conversation with him, tell him what you have found out and heard, explain that he has broken your trust and that it has set you back massively.
Give him an opportunity to explain, but if he gets defensive and does not offer an honest answer, then I would run a mile. He is showing you who he is and it is giving red flags all over the place. If he really likes you, then he should be pulling out all the stops to find a way to show you he has changed and that this relationship is important to him.
If you decide to move forward with him, then be cautious and do not get back into bed with him unless you are satisfied that things are fully over with this woman.
Coleen’s words of wisdom
How can you think positively when you do not feel, um, positive? When you get a negative thought, do not stew on it – replace it with a positive one. Remind yourself regularly of what is good in your life and be with people who bring positive energy.
