Donald Trump spent this evening fighting wokeness from the Oval Office, by which he nearly dropped off multiple times on camera at a health care affordability event. The most animated he appeared was when he revealed his plan to turn a famous American monument into a swimming pool. Meanwhile, the Iran ceasefire is going well except for the shooting and mines.
Trump Looked Particularly Sleepy
Trump held an event in the Oval Office to announce the reclassification of medical marijuana to ease scientific study. He invited several people to give lengthy speeches praising the idea and himself. However, he spent much of the event visibly nodding off behind the Resolute desk. Not as sleepy as two-year-old Travis Smith, who recovered from the OTOF mutation and napped under Ronald Reagan's portrait.
He Tried to One-Up Martin Luther King
After discussing the new granite path to the Oval Office, Trump turned to the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, site of Martin Luther King's 'I Have a Dream' speech. He claimed his 2017 inauguration crowd was bigger than King's March on Washington, saying, 'I actually had more people.'
He's Turning the Reflecting Pool into a Swimming Pool
Trump claimed the Reflecting Pool is in terrible shape and that he personally surveyed it. Instead of a planned three-year, £300 million refurbishment, he hired his own swimming pool contractor to fix the grouting, clean it, and pour swimming pool lining on top. The colour will be 'American Flag Blue' instead of natural grey-white. The bodge job will take a week and cost $1.5 million.
Trump Rules Out Nuking Iran
When asked about using nuclear weapons in Iran, Trump reacted angrily, saying, 'No. Why would I need it? Why would a stupid question like that be asked?' He insisted he had 'totally and in a very conventional way decimated them.' However, Iran still has boats to fire on ships in the Strait of Hormuz and lay mines. Trump ordered the military to 'shoot and kill' small Iranian boats.
'I Speak for the UK More Than Prince Harry'
Trump claimed he speaks for the UK more than Prince Harry on Ukraine. When asked about Harry's comments calling for more action to end the war, Trump said, 'I think I'm speaking for the UK more than Prince Harry.' He also praised King Charles, calling him a friend, and criticised the UK's North Sea oil drilling policies.
Navy Nonsense
Secretary of War Pete Hegseth ordered Navy Secretary John Phelan to resign or be fired. Phelan, a businessman with no military service and who appeared on Jeffrey Epstein's flight logs, was ousted after Trump became convinced he was moving too slowly on shipbuilding. Phelan didn't believe Hegseth and went to the White House to confirm with Trump. He will be replaced by Undersecretary Hung Cao, a veteran who warned of Wiccans and witchcraft taking over California.
Tennis Menace
Trump hosted champion college sports teams at the White House, spending most of his speech bragging about his 2024 election wins. A photo of the University of Georgia women's tennis team shows 11 players almost entirely obscured by male sports executives and Trump. Tennis star Martina Navratilova commented, 'A photo is worth a thousand words.'
Epstein Files Release Under Review
The Department of Justice's watchdog is reviewing whether it complied with the law when it released a fraction of files on Jeffrey Epstein. The audit will focus on privacy concerns after survivors complained about personal information being disclosed.
High Stakes for King Visit
Trump said King Charles's visit could 'absolutely' repair US-UK relations. He hinted that Prime Minister Keir Starmer could recover if he opens the North Sea for drilling and strengthens immigration policies. Trump has a long-standing vendetta against wind farms near his Scottish golf course.
