The Independent's agony aunt, Victoria Richards, offers guidance on personal dilemmas in her column Dear Vix. Readers can email dearvix@independent.co.uk for confidential advice on love, work, family, and relationships.
A Reader's Struggle with Past Resentment
In a heartfelt letter, a reader shares a painful experience from over two decades ago. They volunteered at a racehorse training yard on Saturday mornings, where they encountered a head lad named Frank. Describing themselves as shy and quiet, the reader felt out of place among the more outgoing staff, including Frank, who often embarrassed them. Other stable workers were also rude, leading the reader to become increasingly withdrawn and isolated.
The situation worsened when a staff member's birthday party excluded the reader. Frank later mocked them in front of others, calling them "Mr Popular" after learning they weren't invited. Feeling like an outsider and an easy target, the reader decided to quit the yard. A week later, Frank called to ask if his comments had driven them away, dismissing the behavior as mere "banter." The conversation ended poorly, leaving deep emotional scars.
The Rise of an Old Adversary
Years later, the reader discovered that Frank had married, had two daughters, and achieved fame, appearing regularly on television. This success has stirred complex emotions. While not directly envying Frank's career, the reader admits to longing for a family like his and struggling to reconcile the public figure with the man who was once cruel. They ask: "How do I let go of my old grudge?"
Understanding Glückschmerz: The Pain of Others' Happiness
Victoria Richards responds by introducing the German term "glückschmerz," which translates to "happiness-pain" or "misery from the good fortune of others." She explains that this feeling, akin to envy, is a common human experience. No one is immune to emotions like jealousy, rage, or contempt, especially when someone we dislike succeeds. Richards reassures the reader that these feelings are normal and not something to blame themselves for, even decades later.
She emphasizes that while Frank's fame may be irritating because it highlights a side of him the public doesn't see, it's crucial to remember that we never truly know what others are going through. Richards shares a personal anecdote about a neighbor who passed away alone, revealing how she misread his loneliness as aggression. This underscores the idea that external appearances can be deceiving; Frank might have his own struggles, fears, and regrets behind closed doors.
Empathy and Compassion as Pathways to Healing
Richards advises cultivating empathy and compassion—both for the reader's younger self, who felt hurt and excluded, and for Frank, who may have acted out of youthful ignorance. She notes that everyone makes mistakes, and even those with seemingly perfect lives can suffer silently, citing the tragic case of comedian Robin Williams as an example.
To move forward, Richards suggests separating Frank's life from the reader's own. Acknowledge the pain and loneliness experienced, but also celebrate personal achievements and growth. One practical tip is to write a letter to Frank, expressing all the hurt and anger, then burn it as a symbolic act of release. This process can help lighten the emotional burden and foster closure.
Richards concludes by encouraging the reader to honor their journey and vow to prevent similar mistreatment of others. For further advice, readers are invited to email dearvix@independent.co.uk with their own anonymous concerns.
