Judith Cameron lost her brother 30 years ago when he cut his family out of his life without explanation. At their mother’s funeral, she didn’t even recognise him. Now he has died, and it is too late to reconnect. But does it matter? Judith, the fourth of five children, grew up in a loving working-class family where sibling rivalries were daily but the family remained a strong team. As adults, some stayed closer than others, but they kept in contact. However, just a couple of years after her wedding in 1980, her younger brother Malcolm stopped wanting to see their parents or siblings, never explaining why.
Despite limited phone contact, Malcolm never justified his decision. Invitations were refused, and if anyone dropped round, he was friendly but firmly refused entry. He lived within a 10-minute walk of the family home, so their parents sometimes saw him while shopping. Initially, the family tried to persuade him to meet, but he always had an excuse. Eventually, Judith ended phone contact. When her mother died in 2006, Malcolm attended the crematorium, but Judith did not notice him. They had not met for over 20 years, and she had almost forgotten him.
Dr Alexis Johnson, a clinical psychologist, says that while most adult siblings feel loyalty and a form of love, this is not because they necessarily like each other. On personality scales, adult siblings are no more alike than any two people of that age. ‘We expect siblings to have an automatic draw, but usually we would never pick them to be our friends,’ she explains. Each sibling is born into a different family with diverse experiences and opportunities. Parents have a story about each child before birth, including how welcome it is, its gender, and expectations for the firstborn. Other variables include parents’ ages, health, wealth, and characters.
Julia Jameson, a London-based counsellor, says siblings can be as formative to our sense of self as parents. ‘It is in these intense relationships that we begin learning to play, share, imagine and communicate, as well as compete, protest and avenge.’ Even with fair-minded parents, unresolved childhood difficulties can become frozen and reappear later when the victim feels safer apart. Jameson notes that we are often taught to believe we should like our family and remain close, but this is an idealised perspective that rarely matches reality.
Johnson says that for adult loyalty to survive, it must endure a lifetime of ‘transitions’—fundamental shifts in family structure such as birth, death, marriage, retirement, elderly care, and inheritance. These can prompt discord and estrangement. Although resentment may date back to childhood, the desire to escape often occurs during a transition much later. For Jane, 45, a much older brother was never close, and they have not spoken since their parents died and the house was sold three years ago. The age gap meant different childhood experiences, including private versus state education, which could cause resentment. Claire, 48, has initiated two periods of estrangement from her younger sister. She says, ‘I don’t really get this “blood is thicker than water” thing. My parents would say: “But she’s family, you need to make an effort.”’ Claire had a good relationship with her other siblings and only developed problems with her sister in adulthood, after coming out as gay and living with a partner her parents had met.
