Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab Redefines Codependency as Healthy Dependency
In the realm of modern dating advice, codependency is frequently labelled as a detrimental trait, often associated with unhealthy attachment and loss of self. However, a groundbreaking perspective is emerging from therapist and relationships expert Nedra Glover Tawwab, who distinguishes between harmful enmeshment and what she terms 'healthy dependency'. Her new book, The Balancing Act, published by Piatkus on 10 February, delves into this nuanced approach, challenging pervasive myths about connection and intimacy.
Learning Relational Skills Through Interaction
Tawwab emphasises that crucial relational abilities cannot be mastered in isolation. While self-awareness through therapy is valuable, she argues that practical experience in relationships is indispensable. "What you like, what you don't like, how to deal with other people and have disagreements: those things are learned in relationships," Tawwab states. She cautions that without such practice, individuals risk remaining disconnected. This does not imply rushing into romance prematurely; rather, all interactions—whether with co-workers, friends, or family—offer opportunities to develop transferable skills that enhance future connections.
Dependency: Not a Dirty Word
The concept of dependency often carries negative connotations, fuelled by a culture that prizes independence. Tawwab counters this by highlighting that everyone relies on others in various aspects of life, from clothing to groceries. She asserts that being under-reliant, or resisting vulnerability, can be as much a barrier to meaningful relationships as over-reliance. Healthy dependency, according to Tawwab, involves maintaining a support system, exercising boundaries, and recognising when adjustments are needed to prevent codependency.
Changing Patterns and Trusting Instincts
Contrary to popular dating advice that labels people as inherently 'unavailable' or 'avoidant', Tawwab believes attachment styles are not fixed. "You can change your attachment style, and it shows up differently based on who the relationship is with," she explains. This flexibility allows for growth and adaptation in relationships. However, she also warns against blindly following instincts, as past experiences can skew perceptions. Instead, she advocates for curiosity about one's impulses and choosing responses that foster deeper connections rather than reinforce old patterns.
Navigating Individual Needs and Compromise
Relationships are not one-size-fits-all, Tawwab notes, with comfort levels varying widely between individuals. While clarity about personal needs is important, she stresses that compromise and personal responsibility are essential. Aiming for a perfect 50-50 balance can be unrealistic; instead, she suggests accommodating differences and accepting others as they are, while respecting one's own boundaries. This approach helps avoid penalising partners for unmet expectations and promotes healthier dynamics.
Assessing Relationship Health
Ultimately, Tawwab advises that the best gauge of a relationship's health is how it makes you feel. Feeling safe, respected, and free to express oneself are key indicators. She acknowledges that discomfort and friction are natural parts of relationships and can signal growth. By honouring boundaries and navigating disagreements constructively, individuals can cultivate connections that are both supportive and empowering, moving beyond simplistic labels to embrace the complexity of human intimacy.
