A woman has revealed how a devastating New Year's Eve breakup led her into a secret double life as a high-functioning alcoholic, consuming up to four bottles of wine daily before a dramatic collapse at work forced her to seek help.
The Descent: From Social Drinker to Secret Alcoholic
Amy Deards, now 43, says her unhealthy relationship with alcohol began subtly. Like many teenagers, she started drinking socially at 16. However, what began as fun escalated into a critical coping mechanism in her 30s.
The pivotal moment came on New Year's Eve 2008, when her fiancé of six years abruptly ended their relationship. Heartbroken, Amy turned to wine to numb the emotional pain, initially sharing bottles with her mother, Caroline.
"I couldn't face the world sober," Amy admits. Alcohol became essential for socialising, providing a false confidence. This dependency soon bled into her professional life, leading to her losing a retail job at New Look after a complaint about smelling of alcohol.
A Double Life Unravels: Hiding Bottles and Blackouts
Amy became adept at concealing her addiction, believing herself to be high-functioning. By 2015, she was hiding empty bottles, a habit her mother discovered by lining up about 15 of them on the kitchen counter.
Seeking a fresh start, Amy moved to Cambodia in 2016 to teach English. However, isolation exacerbated her drinking. One notorious night, she vanished after a bar visit, ending up at a casino with strangers, leaving her housemate and mother in the UK frantic with worry.
Returning to the UK and living alone, her consumption spiralled to between three and four bottles of wine every day. She needed alcohol to function, drinking just to steady her shaking hands to get ready for work. Her health deteriorated, marked by constant sweating and severe anxiety.
The Turning Point: Collapse, Shame, and a Lifeline Call
The facade crumbled in May 2019. Amy, then working as a store manager and drinking on the job, passed out at work. Colleagues found her unconscious. "I felt pure shame," she recalls.
This was the catalyst. Tired of her double life but not wanting to die, she made two crucial calls: first to the Samaritans, which she says saved her life, and then to her mother to finally ask for help.
Four days later, she entered rehab. She has remained sober since 8 May 2019 – now over six years.
Life in Recovery: Helping Others and Building a New Future
Amy embraced recovery, attending 12-step meetings and therapy. A significant shift came in October 2020 when she publicly shared her journey on social media, receiving an outpouring of supportive "me too" messages.
This inspired her to help others. She became a mindset coach and in 2022 authored a book, How Did I Get Here: Building A Life Beyond Alcohol. She aims to dismantle the glamourised culture around drinking and support women facing similar struggles with addiction or self-doubt.
"You don't need alcohol to have fun, to fit in, or to survive the day," Amy states. "And once you realise that, you start to see the lie for what it is."
If you are concerned about your drinking or someone else's, the Drinkaware helpline offers free, confidential support on 0300 123 1110 (weekdays 9am–8pm, weekends 11am–4pm).
