The festive season is often portrayed as a time of joy, but for many it also means navigating the tension of family gatherings. Relatives who are "intrusive or trigger me or say things that are abusive" can make these events a challenge, says Mark Rapaport, president-elect of the American Psychiatric Association.
To cope, some people turn to "gray rocking" – a technique that involves acting "boring, like a gray rock," according to Maryland-based clinical psychologist Samantha Whiten. The aim is to "not give difficult people any potential ammunition" by offering short, non-committal responses rather than engaging in high-drama exchanges. The idea is to deprive the other person of the attention or reaction they seek, prompting them to move on.
Consider the classic scenario of Uncle Bob, who corners you to talk politics. Instead of taking the bait and ending up in a shouting match, a gray rock response might be a bland: "Interesting opinion. How's work?" This can de-escalate the situation and allow you to enjoy the rest of the evening. Rapaport notes that there is no published research on the technique's efficacy, but its objectives make sense: "One of the keys in circumstances like this is not to emotionally engage."
However, the strategy is not without downsides. Darlene Lancer, a California-based marriage and family therapist, warns that when practised regularly, gray rocking can numb emotional responses. "After a while, people get numb. They start shutting down to their own feelings of hurt or anger," she says. It can also create distance in relationships, and she does not recommend it for relationships you want to last. Even in the short term, stonewalling may upset someone who did not realise their comments were bothersome. Rapaport suggests polite directness may be a better alternative: "I hear what you want to talk about, but it's not something I want to discuss at this time."
To make gray rocking work, planning is key. Whiten says "people really do well with having a specific goal," so think about exactly how you'd like to handle difficult situations. Keep a few placid responses ready, such as "Thanks, I'll think about it," rather than snapping. Recruit allies to pull you away if things get heated, keep alcohol and drug consumption in check, and try to focus on the people you do want to see – and channel a little empathy toward the difficult figures in your life.
