A reader writes to Coleen about a delicate family situation following the death of her father-in-law a year ago. While the family has been supportive, the mother-in-law's constant presence is becoming disruptive. She lives nearby but frequently arrives unannounced, staying for days, leading to cancelled plans for the children. The reader and her husband have suggested social groups and grief counselling, but the mother-in-law refuses. The husband's siblings live abroad, leaving the couple as primary support. This is causing arguments between the spouses.
Understanding Grief
Coleen responds that grief affects everyone differently. The mother-in-law likely feels lost and clings to what she loves most. A year may seem long, but for a grieving partner, it can feel like no time at all. Coleen shares her sister Linda's experience: after her husband died, she stayed with family and called the Samaritans when needed, but crucially, she had therapy.
Gentle Communication
Coleen advises gently conveying that while the couple can continue supporting her, they are not professionals and are struggling to know how best to help. It may be best for the husband to speak with his mother, asking how they can assist. She might need reassurance that they will be there for her.
Involving Others
The reader should reiterate to the mother-in-law's friends that she is struggling and ask them to check in. Having events to look forward to could help. The siblings abroad could arrange a visit or invite her for a change of scene. The hope is she will find enjoyment and start living again.
Professional Support
While therapy cannot be forced, Coleen recommends telling her about the bereavement charity Cruse (cruse.org.uk; 0808 808 1677), which might provide support.
