Dear Coleen,
I am a man in my 30s and would like to know how to move forward with my brother, whom I have not seen for four years. In a nutshell, his wife – who is generally regarded as highly unpleasant – was vile to my wife on our wedding day, leaving her in tears. She told my wife that none of my family or friends would ever accept she was good enough for me and said, “Good luck, you’ll need it.” There is not a grain of truth in what she said, and the only explanation is that she said it just to be mean and spoil things for my wife, who is amazing in every way.
After the wedding, I did not contact my brother or reply to his messages, and things just rumbled on. Here we are now, four years later. Lately, I have been missing him and feeling bad because our parents have not seen us together since the wedding. My wife and I have also had a little boy, who is now two years old and has never met his uncle.
The problem is, my feelings for his wife have not changed, and I still think he is spineless for not calling out her bad behaviour. She caused this, but he chose her, so what does that say about him? I would love your opinion.
Coleen Says
I think it is possible to have a relationship with your brother again that does not have to involve your wives. The two of you can meet up on your own, and you could also visit your parents together and even take your kids. You need to start by just connecting as brothers again, and someone needs to make the first move, so why not be the one to extend the olive branch?
Obviously, do not steam in there saying you still cannot stand his wife. Just explain that you would like the two of you to have some kind of connection, whether that is meeting for a drink once a month or seeing your mum and dad. I do not know your sister-in-law’s reasons for being mean – maybe her more unpleasant side comes out when she drinks, or she could simply be jealous of your wife or your relationship – but you do not know that your brother did not say something to her privately after the wedding. Maybe if you get back in touch, some of this stuff will become clear. However, I would focus on making a fresh start and just catching up on each other’s lives. Good luck.
Coleen’s Words of Wisdom
Be the type of friend that you are looking for. If honesty and loyalty are high on your list of must-haves in a friendship, make sure you are demonstrating those values too. It is easier to find your people if you show them who you are.
