England rugby star Ellie Kildunne has courageously revealed her intense personal struggle with body dysmorphia during the coronavirus lockdown, a period marked by disordered eating and unhealthy weight loss for the celebrated athlete. The 26-year-old, a pivotal figure in the Red Roses' World Cup triumph last year, has spoken with raw honesty about this challenging chapter in her life.
A Champion's Hidden Struggle
Kildunne, who scored five tries during England's victorious campaign—including a spectacular solo effort in the 33-13 final win against Canada at a packed Twickenham—described how the isolation of the pandemic exacerbated her condition. "I could probably see myself getting a little bit smaller, but then was still trying to chase being smaller on top of that," Kildunne explained in an interview with BBC Sport. She highlighted the absence of her usual support network, stating, "I wasn’t in that team environment with physios all the time, or my team-mates."
The Deceptive Nature of Body Dysmorphia
The Harlequins full-back elaborated on the insidious nature of body dysmorphia, noting, "and body dysmorphia is such a funny thing, because I would have been small but I would see myself as bigger in the mirror." This distorted self-perception led to a harmful cycle. Reflecting on that time, she admitted, "It seems really stupid now, and I look back on it – I don’t know why I did it. But I just ended up having a terrible relationship with food."
Conflicting Perceptions and a Search for Belonging
Kildunne, who was also part of Great Britain’s sevens squad training for the postponed 2020 Olympics, faced conflicting views about her physique. "In the rugby world, I’m considered small, but in my world outside rugby, I was considered big, so I never really had that place where I felt comfortable, that I fit in," she shared. This duality added to her mental health challenges, creating a sense of not belonging in either sphere.
The Turning Point: Speaking Out
Her breakthrough came during a poignant conversation with England physio Emily Ross, where Kildunne broke down in tears. "I knew I had a problem but I never wanted to admit it and I think admitting it made it a problem," she said, emphasising the transformative power of vocalising her struggles. "It wasn’t something that I was even trying to stop. But as soon as you say something out loud to somebody that creates accountability."
Continued Vigilance and On-Field Success
Despite her ordeal, Kildunne continues to excel on the rugby field. Crowned World Player of the Year in 2024 and a runner-up for last year’s BBC Sports Personality of the Year, she recently scored in England’s 33-12 Six Nations victory over Ireland. While acknowledging her progress, she remains cautious about her recovery. "I wouldn’t say I’ve got a bad relationship with food now," Kildunne stated. "But it’s something that you’ve always got to be conscious of because I know that I’ve got those habits somewhere. I just need to make sure they don’t come up."
Her story serves as a powerful reminder of the mental health battles that can lurk behind athletic success, offering hope and solidarity to others facing similar issues.
