Best government ever! After the mutiny of Westminster’s recent days, now we had mad overkill in the other direction. Labour Whips had told their grumpy backbenches to vent support for Sir Keir Starmer. They overdid it and PMQs came to resemble a Little Mix concert, teenage fans screaming adoration for their pin-ups. Blood-soaked enmity one day, girlish devotion the next.
We had a taste of what was to come when Bridget Phillipson was taking Equality questions before the PMQs. She launched a couple of routine attacks on the Conservatives. Up went an extraordinary caterwauling of support. This took Ms Phillipson by surprise. Her eyes bulged a bit and she leaned into the moment, accentuating the intensity of her already acidic rhetoric. There was a danger here that Scary Bridget might fancy her prospects of becoming PM herself. She’d terrify the pants off Vladimir Putin.
Sir Keir arrived in the chamber. Marvelling, ecstatic cheers escorted the great clunker to his seat. Is it discreditable of me to suspect that some of the approbation came from the Opposition benches? Sir Keir is currently a wonderful asset for them.
He opened the session with a few words on the success of the King’s trip to Washington DC. This was evidence of the ‘deep and special relationship’ we had with the United States – the very same USA that has caused him such agonies in recent days.
This being the last PMQs before the prorogation of parliament, Sir Keir launched into a forceful declamation of his government’s heroic achievements. It had ‘delivered the biggest upgrade in workers’ rights in a generation’ and ‘more action than any other Government to tackle child poverty’. Yes, more than any Government in history. There you had it, from the prime minister’s own reliable, never-told-a-lie-in-his-life mouth.
Gurinder Singh Josan (Lab, Smethwick) boinged to his feet to proclaim something or other. Mr Josan may be a fine chap but verbal clarity is not his forte. Those of a certain age will remember what it was like when you got fluff on the needle of your record player. Mr Josan’s voice became lost in his beard. Happily Sir Keir had been told beforehand what Mr Josan was going to say. There is no way otherwise that he could have crafted a response.
Anna Dixon (Lab, Shipley) was more easily understood. Craning forward with the intensity of a deranged dentist, she yelled her awe at the magnificent advances our nation had made in a mere two years of Starmerism. Nearby, Mark Sewards (Lab, Leeds SW) succumbed to laughter. I’m sure he was being supportive.
‘What is the Prime Minister most proud of?’ bellowed Ms Dixon. Sir Keir, reading from his prompts, ‘thanked her for her question’ and said how chuffed he was to have re-nationalised certain services. His was ‘the first government in a generation to invest in public services’. A nimbus of righteousness haloed his oblong head. He actually seemed to believe himself.
Kemi Badenoch – who suggested that ‘the whole country is sick of this man’s tone-deaf, moralising pompousness’ – was shouted down by convulsively energised Labour MPs. Of these the most prominent were Sue Gray’s dopey son Liam Conlon (Beckenham & Penge), Tristan Osborne (Chatham & Aylesford), Joe Powell (Kensington & Bayswater), little Connor Rand (Altrincham & Sale) and Sadik Al-Hassan (N Somerset). Mrs Badenoch recommended that Sir Keir sack Rachel Reeves. The Chancellor laughed at this, perhaps just a little too hard.
Sir Keir was disappointed in the Lib Dems’ Sir Ed Davey for not supporting him over the Mandelson scandal. He called Sir Ed ‘the man in the wetsuit’. Everyone enjoyed that.
Further high-pressure, jetting sycophancy came from Pam Cox (Lab, Colchester). She reported that Labour had even made life better for ferrets. ‘The best is yet to come!’ squawked Ms Cox, to concurring moos.
Ah well, it was last day of the session. Drink may have been taken the previous night. Since you ask, Angela Rayner was nowhere to be seen.
