Greetings Earthlings! It's almost the day of the 'most important by-election in British history' – and it's not just the future of Makerfield, Greater Manchester, at stake. With cheeky Andy Burnham on the ballot paper, the PM himself could live or die by the results. The Manchester mayor has grabbed so much attention with his pledge to challenge Keir Starmer's leadership, it's easy to forget there are 14 candidates taking part.
Luckily, one of them is Daily Star columnist and 'independent space warrior' Count Binface. And he's anything but forgettable. Here, Meg Jorsh joins him on the campaign trail…
There's not much about politics that doesn't look a bit weird these days. That whole Liz Truss thing – that was weird, wasn't it? And are we really on our fifth Prime Minister since 2019?
In that context of chaos, Count Binface seems absolutely fine. He's the leader of the Recyclons, from the planet Sigma IX, with clear, achievable policies like 'Count Binface to be the UK's entrant at Eurovision 2027.'
He's probably not going to see off Andy Burnham in the June 18 vote. But he's likely to get close – even if it's only physically, when the results come out in the early hours of Friday morning.
The Count seems encouraged by this minor act of conquest. 'If Burnham wants to rule the roost, he's got to come through me,' he says. 'We are next to each other alphabetically, so he shouldn't be able to escape.'
The alien's actual vote share may lie beyond his field of domination. According to the latest predictions, Burnham is likely to win it for Labour, after predecessor Josh Simons resigned to allow him to stand last month. Reform UK's Robert Kenyon is expected to take second place.
But the Count does have a chance of beating Tory candidate Michael Winstanley, or Lib Dem Jake Austin. Which is, again, totally fine.
'The Conservatives – remember them? – and the Liberal Democrats are on one per cent,' he says. 'I mean, I could actually outscore the Conservatives without blinking a visor. And from then on, it should be a hop, skip and a jump to win the seat.'
If his figures are accurate, that means a small, but significant, percentage of voters are considering submitting to an alien invasion. Let's not think too hard about the implications of that.
It may just be the appeal of the Count's manifesto, which promises cyclists who break the Highway Code will be made to ride unicycles instead. A pledge to 'cut your taxes, and raise everyone else's' doesn't seem too out of the ordinary. And he's clearly done his local research.
'I love every single part of Makerfield,' he says. 'From the Three Sisters racing circuit to the Hindley Centre, to Ashton-in-Makerfield and the Liverpool Road, which, as you know from my manifesto, I will rephase the traffic lights on to ease congestion because that's the only blight on the landscape.'
He's especially keen to improve access to local delicacy the Wigan Kebab – a meat and potato pie served inside a buttered bread roll – by introducing a £2 price cap. He also wants 99 Flake ice creams to cost no more than 99p.
Still, it's obvious he's used to quite a different political landscape. 'I can't actually eat,' he admits. 'There's a bit of an issue there, not having a mouth as such. What I can do is vaporise a bit of food with a laser and, sort of, inhale it gaseously. It's not quite the same as a Sunday roast, but I get by.'
It's the fifth time the Count has run for office. He's stood twice in Boris Johnson's former constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip, in 2019 and 2023, and twice for London mayor in 2021 and 2024.
When asked why he's now running for Makerfield, the warlord is refreshingly honest. 'The reason is that's where the election's happening,' he says. 'So, you know, if I stood in a different area, it wouldn't be much fun right now.'
It's not obvious whether his fellow candidates are having fun – and Keir Starmer almost certainly isn't. But despite the years of chaos, the slimy lettuces and lockdown parties, the Count remains convinced our democracy is something to celebrate.
And his message is clear, to Daily Star readers of every political persuasion. He says: 'Whether you voter in Makerfield or beyond, I hope you will continue to celebrate British democracy while you've got it, because it's very precious. You're the only planet in the cosmos doing it. Even though it might be a bit decaying and stinky, you'll miss it when it's gone. And isn't it wonderful that as British humans – and aliens – that you have the right to take the p***?'
Full list of Makerfield candidates:
- Jake Austin – Liberal Democrats
- Count Binface – Count Binface Party
- Andy Burnham – Labour Co-op
- Dan Clarke – Libertarian
- John Dyer – Independent
- Ed Gemmell – Climate
- Paul Gould – Independent
- Howling Laud Hope – Monster Raving Loony
- Robert Kenyon – Reform UK
- Robert Pownall – Independent
- Rebecca Shepherd – Restore Britain
- Sarah Wakefield – Green
- Peter Ward – Rejoin EU
- Michael Winstanley – Conservative
