Why Wild Horses Couldn't Drag Me Back to Coachella
There comes a moment when even the most dedicated music journalist must draw a line and declare: 'You cannot legally compel me to return to Coachella.' Kevin E G Perry has firmly reached that breaking point.
The Rickshaw Revelation
It was the second cycle rickshaw that sealed the deal. The winding, dusty path from the Coachella taxi drop-off to the festival grounds is so lengthy and convoluted that cyclists offer rides along this marathon route. A few years ago, after trekking half a mile under the scorching sun, I finally relented and paid a muscular cyclist half a week's wages via Venmo to pedal me toward the distant music. We arrived at a fence, then a gate, only to encounter another crowd of cycle rickshaws.
Blinking dust from my eyes, I realised this was no illusion. For some inexplicable reason, the road was split into two sections, forcing me to either sell a kidney for another ride or join the unfortunate masses blistering their feet in a joyless trudge through dirt. I weighed my options and made an easy decision: I never wanted to see this blighted festival hellscape again.
The Illusion of a Great Party
Coachella, returning today for two more sun-dappled weekends, is renowned as one of the world's premier parties. However, in my experience, it's a festival where you'll spend most of your time stuck in traffic and paying exorbitant sums for a thoroughly underwhelming experience. I admit there was a time I desperately sought a ticket, despite the $400 (£320) price tag, excluding accommodation. From afar, Coachella appears enticing: beautiful people partying under palm trees as top musicians perform. Where do I sign up?
My first Coachella in 2013, a cursed year marked by Phoenix inviting the not-yet-convicted R. Kelly to their headline set, left me wide-eyed in search of a California dream. I returned sunburnt, exhausted, and with a newfound appreciation for UK festivals. There's a unique essence to partying all night in British fields that Coachella simply cannot replicate.
British Festival Superiority
As an LA local who grew up in England, I was raised amid the chaos of Reading Festival, where feral youths transformed campsites into a scene reminiscent of Lord of the Flies, infused with indie sleaze. Later, I graduated to Glastonbury, which remains my Platonic ideal of a music festival—an altered state immersed in for a long weekend. However, regulars know one recurring grievance: after headliners finish, 200,000 people crush toward the South East Corner for after-hours parties, creating a tube rush-hour scenario a thousand times worse.
At Coachella, they've compounded this issue with cars. Imagine Glastonbury if half the crowd called an Uber post-show and the other half wandered drunk, forgetting their parking spots. This epic traffic snarl-up occurs nightly at Coachella. Rideshare drivers, often from out of state exploiting surge pricing, are as clueless as anyone. Last year, my 10-mile trip took 48 minutes and cost $87.
Why the Rush to Cars?
Everyone scrambles to their cars because Coachella lacks a 'naughty corner.' After-parties happen off-site at luxurious Palm Springs rentals, not covered by standard tickets, adding expense and hassle to an already logistical nightmare. Some camp at Coachella, but campsites offer little post-headliner action, with cars parked beside tents making it civilised yet boring. Three kids from Reading with fireworks could raze it in 30 minutes, having more fun than many joyless influencer types seem to all weekend.
The Festival Site Disappointment
Given the stress of daily site access, you'd expect the festival grounds to be near paradise. Think again. After navigating extortionate food prices—$64 (£51) for two burritos and two coffees—it worsens. I must shock British festivalgoers with this truth: at Coachella, you cannot drink alcohol while wandering between stages. Due to statewide regulations, alcohol is confined to fenced-off areas, few with stage views. These spots become highly sought-after, making it nearly impossible to sip a drink while watching a headliner. I've often felt penned in like a battery hen, internally screaming for a cider bus.
Contrasting Popularity
Despite my disdain, Coachella's popularity persists. This year, both weekends sold out promptly, rebounding from last year's decade-low ticket sales. I hope those spending over $1,000 for a desert weekend get their money's worth. Personally, I'll be on the couch, watching the livestream with homemade cocktails. Some things simply look better from a distance.
Coachella 2026 is scheduled for Friday 10 April to Sunday 12 April, with a second weekend from Friday 17 April.
