Melissa Auf der Maur Opens Up About Father's Assisted Death in Candid 90s Rock Memoir
In a deeply personal revelation, former Hole bassist Melissa Auf der Maur has shared the harrowing details of her father's assisted death, a secret she kept for nearly two decades. The admission comes as part of her new memoir, Even the Good Girls Will Cry, which chronicles her turbulent years in the 90s rock scene with bands like Hole and the Smashing Pumpkins.
A Heartbreaking Decision
Auf der Maur's father, Nick Auf der Maur, was a prominent Montreal politician, activist, and columnist who battled throat cancer that spread to his brain. After radiation failed, he underwent an experimental procedure that left him unable to eat, drink, or speak properly. In April 1998, while on break from recording Hole's album Celebrity Skin, Auf der Maur overheard her father on the phone expressing his desire to end his life.
"I wanted to be there if he was going to do it," she explains. Two friends assisted by placing morphine in his kiwi smoothie, and Auf der Maur arrived shortly after. She stayed by his side until his eyes closed, whispering, "You can let go now. Let go." Assisted dying was not legal in Canada until 2016, making this confession particularly significant.
Why Now?
At 54, with a 14-year-old daughter, River, Auf der Maur felt an urgent need to confront this defining moment. "I would never want my daughter to grow into a woman with her own mother still hiding from this," she says. The writing process became a therapeutic "waterfall" of unburdening, though the book was reviewed by lawyers due to its sensitive content.
Chaos with Courtney Love and Hole
Auf der Maur joined Hole in 1994, shortly after the death of bassist Kristen Pfaff from a heroin overdose and just months after Courtney Love's husband, Kurt Cobain, died by suicide. She describes Love as a "raging, rolling tornado" of grief, drugs, and fame, yet she was drawn to the opportunity to make music about complex women in a male-dominated industry.
Despite initial reluctance—she had planned to attend art school—Auf der Maur was persuaded by Love's persistence and a sense of destiny. "I saw the flesh-and-blood women, with a small child ... and it felt like destiny," she recalls. However, the chaos was relentless: near-fatal overdoses, house fires, and the constant pressure of fame took their toll.
Society's Scrutiny of Love
Auf der Maur witnessed firsthand how Love was vilified by the media and public. "I watched society burn a woman at the stake," she says, referencing baseless accusations that Love killed Cobain. Her father even disrupted a Montreal event promoting these theories, earning roses and gratitude from Love.
She criticizes record labels for exploiting artists without providing support, noting, "No one was taking care of these people in major trauma." As the only non-addict in Hole, she carried the weight of concern for her bandmates.
Humor Amid the Turmoil
The memoir isn't all darkness; it's peppered with absurd and funny moments, from Love smoking a cigarette through her vagina to awkward encounters with celebrities like Ben Stiller and Madonna. Auf der Maur likens the era to "Monty Python meets Spın̈al Tap."
Life After Hole
After leaving Hole at their peak, Auf der Maur briefly joined the Smashing Pumpkins and dated Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl. Their late-90s romance, conducted via faxes and phone calls, ended when their life goals diverged. "He wanted a wife waiting at home while being a superstar," she says, while she sought a simpler, creative life.
She later married filmmaker Tony Stone, had her daughter, and co-founded the arts space Basilica Hudson in New York. Today, her relationship with Love is "the best it's ever been," and she's contributing to Love's upcoming album.
A Message of Authenticity
Auf der Maur hopes readers will find inspiration in her story to pursue what truly matters to them. "Find what makes you tick, what rings true, and simply follow that," she urges. After years of running from the 90s and her father's death, she's finally found clarity and peace.
