Linda, 45, shares how an intimacy menu reignited her sex drive after early menopause. She and her partner Elias created a shared list of intimate activities to help rebuild desire and communication.
Linda's Story
Linda met Elias about 13 years ago after separating from her first husband, with whom she had a mismatched sex drive. 'Sex was really important to me. I thought: I'm 30, I'm not ready to give it up,' she says. But about seven years ago, health issues led to a hysterectomy, kicking her into early menopause. 'My sex drive just fell off a cliff,' she recalls. Elias would initiate sex, but she kept rejecting him, making him feel insecure.
Linda began reading books about menopause and sex, including Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, which suggested an exercise asking both partners to describe a really good sexual encounter. They ended up compiling a detailed list of intimate things they enjoyed, from listening to a fantasy audio story to sharing a shower to choosing a sex toy. They call it their intimacy menu.
The menu is a shared list on the Notes app, so each gets notifications when the other ticks an item. 'Since everything on the list is something we both like and we've agreed on in advance, when he sends me a suggestion it turns me on,' Linda explains. It helped break the pattern of rejection. Her sex drive is back, though not what it used to be. 'That acceptance helps me still feel desirable, which is a big part of feeling desire as well.'
Elias's Perspective
Elias, 59, notes that their relationship started very sex-oriented, but when Linda's health issues affected her drive, he began to question himself. 'Was it my fault? Was I getting too old, or was I ugly?' They talked openly about insecurities. For about two years, he had solo sex, which satisfied some desires but not intimacy. 'The good thing is that we were open and talked a lot about these issues. It should never be about shame,' he says.
The intimacy menu helps them plan. 'When I see a suggestion pop up from Linda, the anticipation is a kind of foreplay. It helps spice up the whole day,' Elias says. The list also includes non-sexual items like cuddling. 'I know my body is not the same as it was when I was 45, and similar insecurities come up for Linda, but I still think she's super-hot,' he adds. They now have sex about once a week, which is enough for both. 'Going through these physical changes is a challenge, but it also brings you closer.'
