For many, the practice of gratitude has been packaged as a simple self-help tool—a nightly diary entry listing life's blessings. But according to psychotherapist and author Moya Sarner, this approach only scratches the surface of a far more profound and transformative emotional experience.
The Limits of "Gaming" Gratitude
Sarner reflects on her own earlier experiments with gratitude journals, an exercise inspired by psychological research touting it as a superfood for emotional wellbeing. She found that while the practice generated pleasant feelings, they were fleeting. Treating gratitude as an asset to be accumulated, she argues, prevents it from becoming a catalyst for genuine internal change. Nice feelings, she contends, are a byproduct of a meaningful life, not the foundation for building one.
"What we all want is to feel better," Sarner writes, "but what we really need is to get better at feeling." This distinction lies at the heart of a deeper, more challenging journey towards psychological growth.
A Clinical Revelation: Gratitude Forged in Conflict
The true nature of transformative gratitude was revealed to Sarner during a tense moment in her own psychoanalysis. Feeling misunderstood and critical of her analyst, she demanded an apology. Through a difficult, persistent dialogue where both parties held their ground, a breakthrough occurred.
Sarner realised her analyst, by refusing to offer an easy apology to appease her, by bearing her struggle and offering honest insight, was providing a rare gift. This sparked an overwhelming surge of gratitude—not for something pleasant, but for a difficult, truthful connection. The experience underscored that authentic gratitude often emerges only after navigating feelings of envy, vulnerability, and rage.
She cites psychoanalyst Melanie Klein, who understood that gratitude can be a powerful part of a developmental process, helping individuals internalise good experiences and relationships. This form of gratitude is spontaneous, real, and grows inside a relationship with another person.
Building and Breaking Links: The Core of Psychological Work
Sarner explains that a central aim of her work, both as a patient and a therapist, is to integrate the parts of ourselves that seek to create links and feel alive with the parts that seek to break connections and destroy. A better life, she asserts, is built on this integration.
This theme of connection has defined her past 20 months writing a fortnightly column. She describes it as an experience of making links within her own mind and, powerfully, with readers. Messages from those who shared her work after a loss, or who were inspired to seek therapy or travel, created a profound sense of linked humanity. These connections, forged in a society that often encourages division, felt like gifts.
As the column concludes, Sarner expresses deep gratitude for this shared journey. She draws a parallel to psychodynamic psychotherapy, where benefits often increase after treatment ends as unconscious changes ripple outward. She hopes the links formed through her writing will similarly take root and continue to nourish readers, helping them build better lives.
Ultimately, Sarner's insight moves gratitude from the realm of passive appreciation to an active, relational achievement. It is not found by forcing positivity, but by courageously facing complex emotions within the crucible of honest human connection.
