For individuals living far from their country of origin, a profound sense of dislocation can persist for years, defying the common expectation that time heals all wounds. This enduring homesickness represents a complex form of grief that many migrants and expatriates navigate throughout their lives.
The Unrelenting Ache of Disconnection
One individual, referred to as Suzanne to protect her privacy, has spent her adult life straddling two worlds. Despite annual visits to her birth country and maintaining regular contact through video calls, she recently experienced an overwhelming sense of being in the wrong place. ‘I don’t have the words to describe it properly, I just feel I’m in the wrong place and I don’t want to be here,’ she confessed.
Paradoxically, a longer visit with family intensified her feelings of loss rather than soothing them. The pressure to pack meaningful experiences into limited time made the farewells even more devastating. Suzanne realised that what she grieves most are the ordinary parts of life – spontaneous visits for tea, birthday celebrations, and the simple knowledge that loved ones are physically nearby.
Understanding Ambiguous Loss
Clinical psychologist Gaynor Parkin explains that what Suzanne experiences is known as ambiguous loss, a term coined by family therapist Pauline Boss. This form of grief lacks closure because the loved ones are psychologically present but physically absent.
Unlike bereavement, where loss is clear and final, ambiguous loss persists precisely because it remains unresolved. The ability to see family members on a screen while being unable to share a physical space creates a unique psychological tension that can be as painful as more definitive forms of loss.
Navigating Contradictory Emotions
Suzanne faces the challenge of balancing seemingly conflicting emotions: How do I make room for gratitude, joy and relationship connections with people in my life here, without being overwhelmed by sadness and loss and longing for people over there?
Psychological research offers reassurance that mixed emotions are neurologically integrated rather than contradictory. The sadness and gratitude that Suzanne experiences can coexist, validating her complex emotional landscape.
To manage her grief, Suzanne has been implementing strategies from grief expert Dr Lucy Hone, including approaching her feelings in manageable chunks and oscillating between confronting her sadness and engaging in distracting activities.
‘I’m trying to feel grateful for what I have here without letting the sadness for what I don’t have take over,’ she explained. ‘Maybe that’s the only way to live with it – to make space for both.’
This approach acknowledges that for many migrants, expatriates, and long-distance families, living with homesickness may be a lifelong journey. The heart's remarkable capacity to hold love, longing, and loss simultaneously across continents demonstrates both human vulnerability and resilience.
