A health visitor has shared expert guidance urging parents to avoid shouting or using the naughty step when children bite, arguing these traditional disciplinary methods are counterproductive. Instead, she advocates for a calm, three-step approach designed to teach toddlers appropriate ways to express frustration and anger.
The Problem with Punishment
Ruth, a health visitor who offers parenting support on TikTok, explains that shouting or punishing children for biting fails to address the root causes of the behaviour. According to the NHS, temper tantrums typically begin around 18 months, with hitting and biting being common manifestations as toddlers struggle to communicate. Children may bite due to frustration, teething discomfort, or simply as an impulsive reaction they haven't yet learned to control.
"They don't understand that behaviour is wrong until they have behaved like it thousands of times and you've taught them this is how we behave instead," Ruth emphasises. Making children feel bad through shouting or isolation doesn't impart the necessary lessons about appropriate conduct.
A Three-Step Calm Response
Ruth's method focuses on prevention, calm intervention, and consistent teaching. First, parents should try to anticipate and prevent biting by being present and observant, especially if a child is teething or showing signs of frustration. Offering a teether can redirect the impulse to bite onto an appropriate object.
If biting occurs despite prevention efforts, the second step involves staying incredibly calm. "We're going to stay incredibly calm. Shouting at them, we have this weird obsession with punishing and shouting, and making children feel bad when they behave a certain way," Ruth notes. Immediately comfort the child who was bitten using a specific script: "I'm so sorry you've been bitten," "Are you okay?" and "What will make it better?" This models empathy and problem-solving.
Teaching Through Consequences
The third step addresses the child who bit. Remove them calmly from the situation, which may trigger a tantrum. Allow the tantrum to run its course without attempting to educate or discipline during the emotional outburst. "They will learn nothing until they come out the other side," Ruth advises. While they're upset, parents can calmly repeat, "You are cross, I'm not going to let you bite."
Once the child has calmed down, clearly explain the consequence: "You cannot bite, if you bite again we're going to leave." The direct outcome should be that biting means they cannot continue playing with the other child. As children grow older, parents can prepare them by stating in advance, "If I see you bite, I will remove you from the situation."
Understanding the Root Causes
Ruth stresses the importance of looking beyond the behaviour to underlying factors like tiredness, frustration, or communication difficulties. Sometimes, the appropriate response is recognising when it's genuinely time to leave an overwhelming situation rather than focusing solely on discipline.
"Sending them to the naughty step, shouting, all of that... it's not actually going to teach them anything," she concludes. "Actually as they get older, you can't really keep shouting and putting them on the naughty step, they won't care." The goal is to teach children, "You felt cross but I'm not going to let you bite," fostering emotional regulation and social skills through consistent, calm guidance rather than punitive measures.
