An open letter to leading money educator Vanessa Stoykov has highlighted a common but rarely discussed financial dilemma facing many parents: the expectation to fund a child's second wedding.
The Unspoken Pressure of a Second Wedding
In the letter, a woman named Margaret explains her conflicted feelings. Her daughter is getting married for the second time, following a divorce several years ago. During the first marriage, Margaret and her partner provided both emotional and financial support, contributing a significant sum towards the wedding.
Now, with a new engagement, Margaret senses a quiet assumption that they will contribute similarly again. While no direct request has been made, conversations about venues, dresses, and guest lists are peppered with references to their past generosity, creating a mounting pressure.
Margaret describes a situation where saying nothing has slowly begun to feel like saying yes. She finds herself agreeing in the moment during discussions, only to be filled with worry later about the implications for her own future.
Changed Circumstances and Financial Reality
The core of Margaret's concern is a profound shift in her own financial landscape. She and her partner are now older and much closer to retirement. They remain responsible for a mortgage and face rising living costs.
Every pound given away now is a pound they will not have later for their own care, health needs, or retirement security. Margaret confesses to feeling guilty but also believes they have already fulfilled their parental duty financially. She is torn between supporting her daughter's happiness and safeguarding her own financial wellbeing.
Expert Advice: Separating Support from Obligation
In her response, Vanessa Stoykov assures Margaret that she is not wrong and is far from alone in facing this situation. She identifies a "strange silence around money" that often accompanies second weddings, where past actions are expected to be repeated without acknowledging changed circumstances.
Stoykov emphasises the critical difference between emotional support and financial obligation. Celebrating a child's happiness does not automatically require funding another major event at the same level, especially if it risks the parents' future security.
The money educator warns against the common tendency to "keep the peace," which can lead to private anxiety and eventual resentment. She advises that this feeling is a sign a boundary is needed, not a failure as a parent.
Her recommended path forward is a calm, respectful conversation. Parents should express their happiness but clearly explain their changed financial situation and state what, if anything, they can afford to contribute this time. "Support doesn't have to look the same twice," Stoykov notes.
She also suggests that before having this talk, parents should get clarity on their own numbers to speak with confidence. Ultimately, Stoykov affirms that having shown generosity once is admirable, and it is entirely reasonable to also protect one's own financial future.
