Valtteri Bottas has disclosed how serving as "wingman" to seven-time world champion Lewis Hamilton pushed him to the brink of depression and left him despising Formula One. The Finn has also opened up about his two-year struggle with an eating disorder for the first time in a courageously honest reflection on his racing career.
Bottas spent five seasons as Hamilton's teammate at Mercedes. But the 2017 promotion from Williams that he had pursued with Toto Wolff following Nico Rosberg's surprise retirement failed to deliver the success he anticipated. "First season was good," he wrote in the Players' Tribune. "I started the 2018 season thinking that I was the best driver on the grid, and that I was going to win the championship." Yet Bottas didn't secure a race victory, having been forced to sacrifice multiple wins to assist Hamilton in beating Sebastian Vettel to the title.
"Do you know how badly I wanted to just say no?" he said. "But I had to be a good teammate. I let him through, and of course he had an incredible season. He was the champion. I was 'the wingman.' To this day, I have complicated feelings about it. I don't know how to answer when people ask me about it, because Lewis is an incredible driver and a friend. I have no bad blood with Mercedes or Toto or anyone. But the whole situation almost made me walk away from the sport."
Bottas was referring to his struggle with an eating disorder during the early stages of his F1 career. Despite performing well behind the wheel, away from the track he was being "completely consumed" by the problem. He recalled: "It was like a game to me. I'd wake up and weigh myself every morning, and when I'd see the number go down, I'd feel a deep satisfaction. After two months of spiralling, my nerves were shot. I would wake up at 4am on my own, no alarm. I was like a drug addict, 'I've never felt better!' Ha. Completely delusional. The actual reason I was waking up so early was that my body was in starvation mode."
"I didn't find joy in anything anymore. When I was back home, I was just so angry and negative about everything. I remember my ex asking me if I ever worry when I'm in the car, because it's so dangerous. I said, 'No. If I die, I die.' At that moment, I realized that I genuinely did not care what happened to me anymore. Not long after that, I decided to get some help. I started seeing a psychologist, and I finally admitted out loud that I was unwell. It took me almost two years to feel like myself again."
But Bottas started to spiral again during that 2018 season in which Hamilton claimed all the glory while the Finn languished in his shadow. Bottas added: "I was definitely depressed and burnt out. I hated racing. During that winter break before the 2019 season, I did not think that I was going to come back. That winter break, I made the decision that I was going to retire. Then I went for a walk one day in the forest. I walked in the deep snow for maybe three hours and I walked out of those woods with a completely different mindset."
He kicked off 2019 with a victory by more than 20 seconds in the season opener in Melbourne. Hamilton would go on to claim the world championship title once more, yet Bottas went on to secure 10 Grand Prix victories across five seasons at Mercedes. Following a spell with Sauber, he departed the grid last year but has made his comeback with newcomers Cadillac. He has an uncompetitive car and earning even a solitary point in 2026 will prove difficult, though Bottas maintains: "I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I'm the best driver I've ever been."
"Coming back to Melbourne for the opening race this season was the most special moment of my entire career. Even more special than my first race. Coming into work every day is a pleasure and that is so rare in this world of F1. This is just the beginning of our journey and that's so exciting to me."
