Readers, I have a confession to make and beg you to read it in the spirit of charity. Over the course of the last few hours, I've begun to realise that I do, in fact, love Sir Keir Starmer. Not a doe-eyed crush, but with the silent devotion of a man who has found, at long last, the politician of his dreams.
For me it's his ability to say one thing on a Monday, and the precise opposite on Thursday, all whilst adorning his face with that trademark furrowed, head-prefect sincerity we have all become used to. I love that he can empty a room faster than a fire alarm and above all, I love that he was elected to fix the country and has instead, with enormous diligence, united it in a single, shared sense of disappointment.
Andy Burnham's Westminster Ambitions
And now they want to take him away from me. Andy Burnham, the so-called King in the North, has completed that dream of metro mayors – using his vast political capital to turn his city into a launchpad for a Westminster bid. Now he's won Makerfield, he has designs on Sir Keir's job.
The knives have been drawn and the plotters circle, yet I am beside myself. For Mr Burnham is everything I dread. He is popular and able to communicate his form of socialism in an alarmingly likable way. He is also possessed of an unnerving ability to get what he wants, which means his ruinous brand of soppy lefty anti-business and pro-state governance is going to be spoon fed to us all soon.
A Plea to Starmer
The very thought brings me out in hives. So I appeal to the Prime Minister directly. Sir Keir, if you're reading this, do not listen to them. Ignore the men sharpening their blades in the corridors. I beg you pay no heed to Wes, or Angela. Cling on Sir Keir, bolt the door of No 10 and swallow the key. Govern gloriously, deep into the next decade.
There are a great many of us willing you to stay. Many dare not say so aloud, and we do not all share your politics – indeed, some of us share almost none of it. But we know a gift when we see one, and we have not finished unwrapping you yet.
