A new term is resonating deeply across social media and relationship discussions: 'quiet divorcing'. Borrowed from the workplace phenomenon of 'quiet quitting', this phrase names the slow, often invisible process where long-term partners emotionally disengage long before any legal steps are taken.
The Science Behind the Slow Fade
While the label is fresh, relationship scientists have studied this gradual breakdown for decades. Research, including the longitudinal studies cited by American psychologist John Gottman, shows that for many couples, the end is not a sudden explosion but a protracted whisper. The earliest warning signs are frequently subtle: a bid for connection that goes unanswered, a shared joke that falls flat, or a moment of emotional withdrawal.
These small, everyday moments where partners fail to 'turn towards' each other erode the foundation of intimacy. Longitudinal evidence reveals that a decline in positive engagement is a powerful predictor of future distress. Often, there is a two-phase pattern: a long stretch of quiet disengagement is followed by a sharper drop as the relationship nears its end. By the time issues are confronted directly, the emotional connection may already be hollowed out.
Why Boredom and Modern Expectations Fuel the Trend
A key driver of this slow decline is boredom—a sense of predictability and stagnation. A nine-year longitudinal study found that couples reporting more boredom experienced less satisfaction over time, linked directly to waning emotional closeness. On boring days, couples are less likely to engage in shared, exciting activities, and when they do, these moments feel less connecting. This reduction in shared growth opportunities predicts a significant drop in romantic passion.
The term 'quiet divorcing' strikes a chord now due to contemporary cultural pressures. As U.S. professor Eli Finkel argues in his book The All-or-Nothing Marriage, modern couples often expect a partnership to be a source of personal fulfilment and excitement, not just security. When passion naturally fades over time, it can be misinterpreted as a fundamental flaw. This feeling is amplified by social media comparisons, making any subtle disengagement seem more stark.
Gendered Patterns in Emotional Disengagement
Research indicates gendered patterns in how quiet divorcing unfolds. Across multiple studies, women are more likely to detect emotional disconnect early, initiate conversations about relationship issues, and ultimately file for divorce. Men, on average, are more prone to withdraw or avoid emotional confrontation. Cultural norms play a role, as women are often expected to manage the 'emotional labour' of a relationship—noticing disconnection and organising social plans. When this labour is met with silence, it can erode feelings of being loved and accelerate disengagement.
Recognising the Signs and Choosing a Path Forward
The tragedy of quiet divorcing is that many couples only recognise the growing chasm when it feels unbridgeable. However, the same incremental shifts that create distance can be redirected to rebuild connection. Responding to bids for attention, expressing appreciation, and introducing novelty into routines can rekindle closeness. A decline in engagement isn't always a death sentence; it can be a signal to tend to the relationship.
Yet, not every relationship should be saved. Sometimes the slow fade represents an honest realisation that the partnership no longer meets both people's needs or has become imbalanced. In such cases, choosing to leave can be an act of care for oneself and the possibility of a healthier future.
Paying attention to the subtle changes—the missing laughter, the waning curiosity—offers a chance to course-correct. It also provides the clarity to know when reconnection is possible and when it is time to let go.
