A leading child psychologist has unveiled five surprisingly common parental habits that can unintentionally ignite challenging behaviour in children. The insights come from Dr. Jazmine McCoy, a clinical psychologist and mother-of-three based in Sacramento, California, who shares her expertise online as The Mom Psychologist.
Through her popular social media channels, podcast, and blog, Dr. McCoy regularly guides parents through the turbulent waters of tantrums, defiance, and emotional meltdowns. She admits that even she, as an expert, falls into these behavioural traps, especially when feeling stressed or overwhelmed.
'We're all guilty of making these mistakes as parents (including me),' Dr. McCoy wrote in a viral Instagram post. 'I've found simply noticing this pattern helps me slow down and choose more intentional responses.'
The Five Key Parenting Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them
According to Dr. McCoy, well-intentioned actions can backfire spectacularly when a child is already emotionally dysregulated. The key is understanding that a distressed child's brain is not operating logically, and attempts to reason, rush, or teach in the moment often prolong the crisis.
1. Rushing Transitions Without Warning
Every parent has faced the frantic school run where a child suddenly refuses to put on their shoes. Dr. McCoy explains that barking commands like 'We need to go right now!' typically makes things worse by triggering a child's stress response.
'Their nervous system can't process the change fast enough,' she states. Instead, she advocates for giving gentle five-minute warnings and 'joining their world' for half a minute before asking for a transition. A helpful phrase might be: 'Let's put on shoes when you finish that puzzle piece.'
2. Questioning a Child Mid-Meltdown
When a toy is thrown or a sibling is pushed, the instinct is often to demand an explanation. However, asking 'What happened?' or 'Why did you do that?' during a meltdown adds pressure to a brain that has effectively gone 'offline.'
Dr. McCoy advises parents to focus on 'co-regulation' first. Use calming, reassuring statements like 'I'm here, you're safe,' and only discuss the incident once everyone is calm.
3. Issuing Commands to 'Calm Down'
Directly telling an upset child to 'calm down' or 'relax' often has the opposite effect. This approach can make a child feel their emotions are invalid or wrong, increasing feelings of shame and disconnection.
A more effective strategy is to validate their feelings. Try saying: 'I see you're really upset. I'm here when you're ready to talk. We'll get through this together.'
4. Offering Choices to an Overwhelmed Child
While offering choices (like picking a snack or a cup colour) is generally positive, it can be detrimental when a child is already overwhelmed. Decision-making requires executive function, which is compromised during emotional distress.
'More choices equals more stress' in these moments, Dr. McCoy warns. It is better to make a simple, direct statement for them until they have regained their composure.
5. Teaching a Lesson During the Crisis
The immediate impulse to correct misbehaviour and explain why it was wrong is strong. Yet, Dr. McCoy stresses that the teaching moment must wait. 'You can't teach when the prefrontal cortex is offline.'
Attempting to lecture an escalated child is futile. The focus should temporarily shift to managing the situation, with the behavioural discussion saved for a later, calmer time.
The Path to More Peaceful Parenting
Dr. McCoy's overarching advice is for parents to slow their own reactions. The common thread in all five mistakes is trying to engage rationally with a child who is emotionally flooded.
'All of these [actions] backfire because we're trying to reason with, teach or rush a dysregulated child,' she concludes. By recognising these patterns, parents can step back, regulate their own responses, and ultimately guide their children towards better emotional regulation with greater connection and less conflict.
