The Modern Resurgence of an Overwhelming Infatuation
For months after her relationship ended, Anna* found herself trapped in a cycle of relentless thoughts about her former partner. Each morning began with a jolt of intense grief that quickly transformed into consuming mental replays of conversations and imagined reconciliations that dominated her waking hours.
What began as familiar heartbreak gradually intensified into something far more overwhelming. "It felt invasive," she recalls. "Like my own mind was stalking me." When these obsessive thoughts escalated beyond control, she sought professional help and received a surprising diagnosis: she was experiencing limerence.
Defining the Line Between Passion and Pathology
The term limerence was first introduced in the 1970s by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who documented cases of overwhelming, involuntary infatuation. Now, half a century later, the concept is experiencing a resurgence, amplified by modern technology, increasing loneliness, and the therapeutic language that has become embedded in contemporary culture.
Orly Miller, a psychologist and author of the forthcoming book Limerence: The Psychopathology of Loving Too Much, describes this condition as "an intense psychological state of obsessive longing for another person." She explains that unlike ordinary attraction, limerence involves intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, and a powerful need for reciprocation that significantly disrupts daily life.
Limerence is not recognised as a clinical diagnosis in the DSM-5, the primary reference guide for mental health conditions. Instead, it remains a descriptive concept rather than a formal disorder.
The Digital Age: Perfect Conditions for Obsession
Miller highlights how today's digital environment creates ideal conditions for limerence to flourish. "Social media keeps people hovering on the edge of connection, sustaining fantasy and emotional ambiguity," she notes. The cycle often manifests as compulsive behaviours: constantly checking phones, replaying memories, idealising moments, and imagining future encounters.
This isn't merely psychological; it triggers a full-body stress response. "The nervous system becomes dysregulated, swinging between excitement and panic," Miller explains.
However, not all experts view limerence purely as pathology. Associate Professor Sam Shpall, who teaches moral philosophy at the University of Sydney, cautions against this limited perspective. "Tennov rejected the view that limerence is inherently unhealthy," he says. "It's a distinctive form of human longing, transformative and sometimes destabilising, but not necessarily bad."
Recognising When Passion Becomes Problematic
Dr Emma Marshall, deputy director of Deakin University's Science of Adult Relationships Lab, notes that limerence overlaps with what researchers term passionate love - a normal, often intense stage of early romantic development frequently compared to addiction.
While passionate love should ideally facilitate secure attachment formation, Marshall explains that related concepts in relationship science, such as obsessive romantic love, become concerning when they "become an obsession that disrupts daily functioning, wellbeing and occur within unsatisfying and unhealthy relationships."
Clinical psychologist Phoebe Rogers identifies that certain individuals may be more vulnerable to these experiences. "Those who have experienced trauma, where unhealthy forms of love were modelled early in life, or those with insecure attachment styles are thought to be more at risk," she says.
Miller emphasises that limerence becomes unhealthy when it interferes with work, relationships, or self-esteem. "If thoughts of the other dominate your life, if you're in distress and can't stop despite trying, that's when help is needed," she advises.
While therapy can help individuals regulate emotions and understand the attachment wounds fueling obsession, Shpall offers a philosophical perspective: "To experience limerence is to confront desire in one of its rawest forms. Maybe the goal isn't to eliminate limerence but to cultivate it wisely - to appreciate the intensity of human feeling without being consumed by it."
*Name has been changed
