Rick's Perspective: Struggling with Knowing
Rick, 52, entered non-monogamy six months into dating Rachel, 43, when she suggested it. He went in with an open mind, finding it wonderful yet the hardest thing he's ever done. He fears non-monogamy could make or break them, but believes monogamy could also ruin their relationship. After his divorce, Rick joined Feeld seeking sex, but quickly fell in love with Rachel sexually, emotionally, and intellectually.
Rachel initially preferred not to know about Rick's other encounters, while Rick thought knowing everything was better. However, the more he knew, the more he struggled. After picking her up from a threesome, he questioned why he sacrificed his comfort for a fantasy. At home, he spirals when she's out with someone else, but uses coping strategies like running or cold showers. He checks facts: does she actually have a better time? Is the sex better? Usually, the answer is no.
Their Current Rule: 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'
Their rule now is don't ask, don't tell, allowing them to lie to each other. Rick finds both knowing and not knowing difficult. Ideally, he'd be part of the process or they'd seek sex together. He didn't want non-monogamy; he wants stability, but acknowledges monogamy offers no guarantee either, having been cheated on before. Rachel is the most important person in his life, but he questions if love is enough if they can't improve their arrangement.
Rachel's Perspective: Embracing Variety, Avoiding Details
Rachel, 43, admits she's not cut out for ethical non-monogamy, worrying about being replaceable. She finds it hard to believe in the solidity of their bond. Her poly friends say hiding reality is wrong, but she prefers 'don't ask, don't tell' to suspend disbelief. Rick wants openness, but then hates knowing details. Experience taught her that more knowledge worsens her feelings. Still, they prioritize each other, and Rick reassures her when she feels insecure.
After a decade-long monogamous relationship, Rachel wasn't seeking commitment. She finds confidence in her 40s and delights in variety, not wanting to regret missing experiences. However, she sometimes feels like no one's number one, sparking insecurities. She and Rick are each other's priority, but both find non-monogamy difficult, and one may eventually want to stop. She suspects Rick may be nearing that point. Openness made sense initially, but they must continuously reassess.
Future Uncertainty and Communication
Rachel anticipates wanting monogamy again, but being needed to that extent scares her. For now, they seek the sweet spot in how much to share. Both acknowledge the arrangement may not work forever, but they remain committed to navigating it together.
