From Marital Breakdown to Personal Awakening
When Alisa Kriegel's husband of 25 years came out as gay, her world turned upside down. The 49-year-old New York therapist found herself suddenly single, emotionally shattered, and facing an identity crisis after her college sweetheart revealed he had fallen in love with another man.
Robert, her best friend and life partner, had ended their marriage a couple of years after coming out, leaving Kriegel to confront the reality that their relationship had been largely sexless. She had previously convinced herself that mutual love and respect were enough to sustain a marriage, but now she faced middle age alone, struggling with crushed self-esteem and completely lacking sexual confidence.
An Unconventional Path to Healing
Determined to push her boundaries and prioritise her own pleasure for the first time in her life, Kriegel cautiously entered the dating scene. What began as tentative exploration quickly evolved into what she describes as a "wildly liberating adventure" in her new memoir, From Sexless Marriage to Sex Goddess.
Her journey led her to experiment with swinging, light BDSM, relationships with younger men, and even occasional use of recreational drugs like cocaine and MDMA. She found herself in New York sex clubs, participating in foursomes and kissing women she had just met - experiences far removed from her previous life.
"It was as if I had fallen down a rabbit hole into a world where nothing was as I had known and everything was surreal and new," Kriegel wrote. "Although truth be told, I didn't fall at all. I jumped."
Finding Respect and Boundaries in Unexpected Places
Kriegel met Michael, her partner for several sex club experiences, through online dating. They connected over their similar situations - his wife had left him for another woman. "I think we both had very similar situations of not feeling desired and being very curious about what's out there," she told The Daily Mail.
Her initial visit to a sex club felt "a little strange and a little scary," but she appreciated having a partner who was excited yet caring. To her surprise, she discovered these environments operated on strict consent and respect. "You can just sit and watch if you want, or just be with your partner. It's probably one of the most respectful environments," she explained.
Kriegel approached dating as an experiment rather than a search for love, asking herself what she truly enjoyed and what turned her off. She maintained multiple relationships simultaneously but recognised that none offered the complete package she sought.
She also established firm boundaries, avoiding hardcore BDSM and what she called "ick moments" like infantilising baby talk. "I remember one man, during our first sexual encounter, he was doing the whole, 'Are you a naughty girl?' And I'm like, 'I'm a 50-year-old woman. I'm not a naughty girl,'" she recalled.
The Road to Wholeness and Healthy Love
Now approaching 60, Kriegel says she's in the healthiest relationship of her life, living with a man who continues to experiment with her as a couple. "We swing when we have the time," she clarified, emphasising that they both prioritise sex as a significant component of their partnership.
She believes her adventurous journey was essential to reaching this point of fulfilment. "It became an exploration of what I like, not just sexually, but in relationships, and what I like in a partner," she explained.
Her path to self-discovery included reading erotica, researching sex toys, and even finding sensual expression through hula-hooping, which she described as "a phenomenal surprise." She compared learning about her body to understanding car mechanics - she wanted to "know how I worked and be able to figure out my own pleasure first."
Kriegel's advice to others embarking on new emotional chapters is simple: "Know yourself - really be open and experiment, get back in touch with your body, sexually, but also just doing things that you love, and figuring out what makes you feel good, what makes you feel pampered and loved."
She rejects conventional dating rules, encouraging people to follow what feels right for them, whether that means having sex on the first date or dating multiple people. "Find what's comfortable and what works for you," she advises. "And don't be afraid to push on your comfort zone a little bit, see where it takes you."
From Sexless Marriage to Sex Goddess: A Memoir by Alisa Kriegel is published by She Writes Press.
