In 2023, Dr Jennie Young, a professor of rhetoric at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, grew frustrated with online dating. She faced inappropriate sexual advances and unproductive conversations, likening the experience to searching for a needle in a rancid haystack. After Googling how to find a needle in a haystack, the answer—burn it down—inspired her to create the burned haystack dating method (BHDM).
What Is the Burned Haystack Dating Method?
The BHDM is a set of rules designed for individuals seeking long-term, monogamous relationships. It comprises two main components: 10 rules of engagement for using dating apps and 33 red flag rhetorical patterns to identify mismatched goals.
Rules of Engagement
Key guidelines include limiting time on apps, avoiding becoming "pen pals" through excessive messaging, and blocking users who seem unsuitable. This practice is known as "block to burn" (B2B) within BHDM communities.
Red Flag Rhetorical Patterns
These patterns include phrases like "test and apologize," where a user sends an inappropriate first message followed by an apology to test boundaries while maintaining plausible deniability. Young advises using B2B upon encountering such rhetoric.
How BHDM Works in Practice
Young implemented the method and found immediate success, describing it as a "cheat code." She started a private Facebook group for women and non-binary people to share experiences, which now has over 260,000 members. The group is not open to men.
Young explains that BHDM confronts digital dating problems rooted in patriarchal structures and toxic masculinity. She also writes a Substack newsletter on the topic.
User Experiences
Many users report positive outcomes. Elisa Sparkman, 41, went on half the number of dates but found better matches, eventually meeting her boyfriend. Carrie Juhasz, 44, a hair stylist, noted fewer matches but higher quality dates and values the community support.
Criticism and Responses
Critics argue the method judges men too harshly, with Reddit users citing a lack of compassion. Young counters that the risk of disqualifying good men is far less than wasting time with bad ones. She warns that accommodating harmful behavior can enable rape culture.
Expert Insights
Dating coach Bela Gandhi emphasizes self-reflection before burning the haystack, noting that women also exhibit bad behavior. She acknowledges dating app fatigue and the need for guidelines.
Young advises focusing on a narrow minority of compatible people, treating dating as a numbers game of quality over quantity. Juhasz encourages self-compassion, saying, "Life and dating are really about learning to love yourself."
