Siblings Raised Apart: A Unique Experiment in Nature vs Nurture
Catherine Carr, alongside her older sister Bex and younger sister CJ, grew up with the same parents but in separate households after their parents' divorce. This unusual upbringing transformed their sibling dynamic into a compelling case study of nature versus nurture, profoundly influencing their relationships and personal identities.
The Paradox of Sibling Relationships
At the core of sibling connections lies a paradox: children raised in the same family share experiences yet have distinct childhoods. Birth order theory often explains this, suggesting that your position in the family shapes personality. Oldest children enjoy undivided attention from anxious, inexperienced parents, while second-borns navigate a world with a toddler as a role model and shared parental focus. Youngest children benefit from more relaxed, albeit exhausted, parents. However, this theory alone cannot fully account for the complexities of growing up "together apart."
To understand sibling differences, we must consider factors like home environment, parental relationships, career pressures, gender expectations, and additional needs within the family. Memory plays a tricky role, often clouded by emotions, making it challenging to construct a coherent shared history. Catherine notes that revisiting past events can be painful, as individuals tend to cling to narratives where they feel victimised or innocent.
A Family Divided
Catherine is the middle of three sisters, with Bex 22 months older and CJ six years younger. In 1984, the family moved to the Netherlands, where they lived together near Scheveningen for about six years. However, when Catherine was 11, her mother left with CJ after falling in love with another man, while Bex and Catherine stayed with their father before eventually moving back to the UK. Both parents remarried quickly, introducing step-siblings into the mix, resulting in a separated trio of sisters across two countries.
This setup created a small, uncontrolled nature/nurture experiment. The older sisters became a pair, and CJ became a de facto only child, realigning family hierarchies. Without modern technology like the internet or WhatsApp in the 1990s, maintaining their bond was difficult, relying on posted photos and occasional visits. They missed out on mundane shared experiences, such as arguing over the TV remote or spending lazy Sunday afternoons together, which typically knit siblings closer through shared memories.
The Impact of Separation
Growing up apart meant their realities diverged significantly. From unfamiliar biscuit brands in each other's cupboards to living in different countries with only one parent each, they lacked the common ground to discuss teachers, friends, or schools. This absence created gaps in their shared history, making it harder to build the intimacy that comes from lifelong proximity. While many siblings find comfort in familiar patterns and inside jokes, Catherine and her sisters faced a void without this reservoir of shared experiences.
Now in their 40s, they have worked to sketch out their pasts for each other, aiming for mutual understanding. However, some aspects remain inexpressible. For instance, when a school friend of Catherine's died in 2020, CJ could only grasp the sadness without the context of shared teenage years, highlighting the limitations of their separate upbringings.
Theories and Realities
The "non-shared environment" theory explains how siblings with shared genetics and homes can turn out differently due to unique experiences, such as varying parental interactions or distinct social circles. Catherine likens families to rivers, where each child floats on changing waters influenced by factors like parental age, financial status, or family trauma. This theory resonates in cases of family upheaval, such as a sudden death, where siblings cope independently based on their life stages.
Despite their separation, the sisters' shared history is uniquely theirs. Recently, they have begun sharing perspectives from their years apart, which has been a strange experience. Catherine recalls her mother leaving at age 11 as a defining moment, while CJ, at six, lost her sisters, home, and father simultaneously. Their grief was shaped by birth order, with the youngest protected but all suffering uniquely. Revisiting these events has challenged Catherine's sense of self, revealing parallel histories in her sisters' minds.
Building Adult Bonds
In adulthood, revisiting childhood challenges with a mature perspective can foster deeper connections. By listening to each other, siblings can shift from vertical hierarchies based on age to more horizontal, peer-like relationships. This process allows for collaborative editing of memories, honouring each person's truth without causing upset. For Catherine, this has been difficult but rewarding, helping forge sturdy adult rapports capable of weathering future challenges like ageing parents or grief.
Last summer, at Bex's 50th birthday party, the family reunited, including parents, spouses, step-siblings, and children. Moments glittered with memories of happy times together as a trio, symbolising the enduring strength of their bonds. Catherine hopes this resilience continues, enabling them to navigate life's next chapters together.
Who's the Favourite? The Loving, Messy Realities of Sibling Relationships by Catherine Carr is published by Oneworld, priced £18.99.
