So here's what we learned from "the most important by-election in history." First, that Reform's popularity may have peaked. Of the 89 constituencies where it came runner-up to Labour in 2024, Makerfield had their second-highest vote share and they swept the board there at recent local elections so a win should have been nailed-on.
Second, that the Greens can be squeezed to irrelevance by a proper left-of-centre campaign. Third, that in Andy Burnham, Labour has someone it knows can beat Nigel Farage which it will have to do in hundreds of seats at the next General Election. And therefore, fourth, if we want to kill-off the prospect of a far-right government, Keir Starmer should do the decent thing now and make way for him.
Opinion: Brian Reade
It is understandable that the PM is refusing to do that, but with his toxicity cited as a major factor in last month's local elections massacre and two senior ministers resigning over his weakness, surely the majority of the remaining ones will say his time is up.
He argues he has a mandate from the British people, but that mandate was for Labour to re-energise and change a country on its knees after a series of shambolic Tory governments, and Starmer, through cock-ups, U-turns and a perceived lack of vision has shown himself incapable of that.
The big question is whether Burnham could bring about that change and in truth, nobody knows. But what I know about Burnham gives me hope.
In 2009, when the then Culture Secretary addressed a Hillsborough memorial service he was met with chants of "Justice" from people who felt betrayed by Labour politicians who had been in power for 12 of the 20 years since the disaster and done nothing to unearth the truth. Immediately afterwards, Burnham told the families and campaigners like myself that he would change minds in Westminster and get a shot at justice.
He pressured Gordon Brown to set up an independent panel to scrutinise hundreds of thousands of unseen documents which led to the truth of the disaster, and the cover-up that followed, coming to light. He pressured David Cameron for a full apology to everyone affected by this miscarriage of justice, which the Tory PM gave from the floor of the Commons.
He continued to support the families throughout fresh inquests, a police inquiry and court cases and to this day is pushing for a Hillsborough Law to be established in their name. He stuck faithfully to the change-making pledge he made to us in 2009 and never let the families down. As a character reference I can think of none higher than that he's not just Margaret Aspinall's favourite politician, he's probably her favourite person.
So that's the Burnham I know: down-to-earth, principled, driven to fight for justice for the underdog and someone that ordinary people across all generations can relate to. These are qualities every Labour MP needs to see in their leader as they struggle against younger voters deserting them for the Greens and older ones heading to Reform.
Would changing Prime Ministers guarantee that Labour stays in power beyond 2029? Nobody knows, but I suspect if you asked the top Reform, Tory, Green and Lib Dem strategists who they would least like to see leading Labour by then, they would pick Burnham. Which is why I reckon Labour should give him a chance.
Topless fines
Some French towns have started to fine men £130 for walking around shirtless, which I'm all for as it shuts down three types of male exhibitionists: the slob with sagging manbreasts and gargantuan gut who likes to flaunt his cheap football-related tattoos. The shaven-chested gym-bro showing off the armour-plated pecs and chiselled abs he spends 20 hours a week perfecting.
And the worst one: the midlife crisis millionaire who has paid a fortune for a moob job and liposuction and wants to catch admiring glances. I'm just surprised there wasn't a worldwide ban put in place on that final type after this photo did the rounds in 2014.
Live TV expletive
American footballer turned TV pundit Alexi Lalas caused a stir by calling James Corden a "full-kit w***er" live on Fox Sports. Thierry Henry, looking gobsmacked, blurted: "Did he just say that?" And British anchor Rebecca Lowe told Lalas he was lucky they were on American telly as that's not an acceptable word to use on British TV. She's right. When referring to Corden the acceptable word is "total w***er."
Royal leech
Andy Windsor has reportedly lined up his staff (the poor sod is now down to just a cook and valet) and told them that despite being stripped of his titles, he will "damn well" continue to be called by his "correct titles" in his own home until they "send a vampire to suck out every drop of royal blood in my veins". Which sounds like a great idea for a crowdfunder. And if we can't get hold of a vampire to suck out his blood, maybe we could hire a leech. His ex-wife is usually available for a few quid.
The BBC
The BBC can't win in the eyes of its many right-wing haters can it? Whenever it sends hundreds of staff to cover the Olympic Games and Glastonbury it gets slaughtered for wasting licence fee money. So for the early stages of this World Cup, it decided to swerve expensive American cities and cover it from Salford to save us millions – and it got slaughtered again.
"It's wokeness gone mad" and "the once-imperious BBC has surrendered victory to ITV" were a couple of bizarre right-wing media complaints, but the best was the Daily Telegraph tying it in with "skiving" civil servants and labelling it "the BBC's work from home World Cup." Which is simply deranged.
It's just a shame that the BBC doesn't see through the commercial interests of these newspapers' owners and ignore them. As Gary Lineker said recently: "The BBC's problem is they're so obsessed with trying to appease the right-wing newspapers and they are people who would get rid of the licence fee in a heartbeat." Spot-on.
The right will not be happy until the BBC is scrapped. Although they will then attack it for short-changing Middle England by killing off Strictly and The Traitors.
Brian's big questions
- Does this pathetic peace agreement between USA and Iran allow everyone who bought Donald Trump's book The Art Of The Deal to sue him under the Trade Descriptions Act?
- NHS hospitals moving to a John Lewis-style customer service system to keep patients on the waiting list updated. If they put your surgery off indefinitely, do they tell you that you're "never knowingly under anaesthetic"?
- Will Brooklyn Beckham's new employer, DoorDash, be delivering a "World's Worst Dad" mug to his father's house tomorrow?
- Why are Princess Catherine's every public appearance treated like a miracle in which a saint has risen from the dead?
- Now it's looking likely that Donald Trump will present the World Cup to the winning team, can we all pray to our Gods that Iran is that team?
