Guardian readers have shared their personal experiences of dating a friend's ex or having a friend date their ex, offering insights into the emotional fallout and lasting impacts of these situations. The topic has been widely debated, especially after Bravo reality stars Amanda Batula and West Wilson began dating, despite West having broken the heart of Amanda's best friend, Ciara Miller.
Stories of Loss and Regret
One anonymous reader recounted asking her best friend to check on her ex-husband after their separation. The next morning, the friend asked if she could see him again, and the reader agreed. However, she soon felt sidelined as the friend chose the ex over her. 'The sadness that I felt was not that she was with him, but that I lost her as a friend. It was over 40 years ago, and I've never forgotten the sense of having been sidelined,' she said.
Another reader's best friend from college began dating his ex-wife. Despite promising not to if the reader objected, the friend later married her and became stepfather to the reader's children. 'In retrospect, I see that he was not a good friend, so I did not lose much,' he reflected.
Moments of Joy and Justification
Anna, using a pseudonym, described an intense on/off relationship with a younger man. During a breakup, she hooked up with his friend and went on a few dates. When the ex found out, he renewed his interest, and Anna returned to him, ultimately feeling regret. 'I felt regret about the friend, and I think of our fling fondly. But I suspect he regretted risking his friendship for someone so flaky,' she said.
Another reader's ex-husband and ex-best friend got together, leading to the loss of both. She admitted, 'I wish I had dealt with things in our relationship better, been less exhausted. But I doubt I could have stood between them if they were determined.'
Enduring Relationships
Abby from Indiana shared a positive outcome: her college roommate's ex-boyfriend became her husband of 35 years. 'We have now been an item for 40 years, married for 35. My then roommate has her own husband, and the four of us are friends and cook dinner sometimes,' she said.
In a small rural community, an anonymous reader described a five-year moratorium rule on dating exes to prevent pain. One local man dated all five sisters in her family over 27 years, briefly in most cases.
Practical and Philosophical Views
Mark from Maryland told a friend he had no right to object to dating his ex, as they were divorced. Rick, 60s, from Toronto, was set up with a friend's ex and dated her for a year, with no negative impact on the friendship. Nairne, 59, from Ontario, noted that in the lesbian community, sleeping with exes was common, and ground rules like 'no lying' helped. 'I'm proud of our ability to talk about our feelings, have hard conversations and make amends if necessary,' she said.
One reader, who married her friend's ex after a holiday together, was called 'the red slag' by her friend but remains married for 43 years. 'I know I should have taken a more noble path, but I'd rather be the red slag,' she said.
These stories highlight the complex emotions and varied outcomes when romance intersects with friendship, underscoring that there is no one-size-fits-all answer to whether it is OK to date a friend's ex.
