You've likely heard of helicopter parents, but a new term is gaining traction: the helicopter grandparent. According to experts, the line between being supportive and becoming overly involved can be surprisingly thin, often causing unintended family tension.
The Six Key Signs of a Helicopter Grandparent
Psychotherapist Amy Bojanowski-Bubb, a member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), explains that a helicopter grandparent is "someone who's really involved and might struggle to step back." She highlights six common behaviours that signal you might be hovering too much.
1. Jumping into parenting mode too quickly. This involves stepping in to soothe or pick up a grandchild before the parent has even had a chance to respond to a situation, effectively taking over their role.
2. Criticising parenting choices in front of the child. Making comments like, "Oh, mummy doesn't know what she's doing, granny will do it properly," can be deeply undermining to a parent's authority and confidence.
3. Constantly offering unsolicited opinions. Providing a running commentary on routines, from suggesting a child is tired to questioning their food or clothing, is a classic sign of over-involvement.
4. Ignoring or bending house rules. While spoiling grandchildren is a grandparent's prerogative, consistently disregarding rules on treats, screen time, or bedtimes creates confusion and undermines parental boundaries.
5. Becoming defensive when challenged. Responding with hurt or phrases like "I was only trying to help" when parents attempt to set boundaries indicates a difficulty in accepting a supporting, rather than leading, role.
6. Demanding constant updates. An incessant need for photos, video calls, and reassurance when not present can place an additional burden on busy parents.
What Drives This Behaviour and Its Impact?
Bojanowski-Bubb notes that this conduct often stems from emotional drivers. Anxiety about safety, particularly from grandparents who raised children in a more risk-averse era, is common. Others may struggle with their adult child's new autonomy or fear becoming irrelevant in the changing family structure.
"I also think there is this prevalent fear for grandparents about becoming irrelevant and replaced," she stated on Friday 16 January 2026. Unresolved guilt from their own parenting years can also be a factor, leading to a desire to "get it right now."
The impact on family dynamics can be significant. Parents can feel undermined, eroding their confidence and potentially causing tension between partners. Grandchildren may become confused about who is in charge when receiving mixed messages from different authority figures.
Expert Advice for Healthier Grandparenting
To navigate this delicate dynamic, Bojanowski-Bubb offers several key pieces of advice. First, ask questions like "Would you like my help or would you like me to listen?" instead of assuming.
Secondly, take a pause before stepping in. Ask yourself: "Am I being supportive here, or am I actually just taking over?"
It's also crucial to support parenting decisions publicly, even if you disagree privately. Presenting a united front in front of grandchildren maintains clear boundaries.
Finally, respect boundaries and accept the discomfort that can come with stepping back. Recognising that your role is to support, not to lead, is essential for harmonious intergenerational relationships.
