Christmas, a time for whispered plans and hidden gifts, is also the season of secrets. For author Juliet Nicolson, a festive revelation about her own family's concealed history led to a profound exploration of the hidden lives we all lead and the transformative power of truth.
The Hidden Lives Within a 'Happy' Marriage
While researching her new book on the culture of secrecy, Nicolson made a startling discovery about her own grandparents. Unknown to their children, each of her grandparents had conducted multiple same-sex relationships throughout their otherwise seemingly happy marriage. The concealment went even deeper, with her grandmother sharing a long, unspoken romance with her own sister-in-law.
This legacy of silence cascaded through the generations. As a child, Nicolson would listen through a wall to her mother's hushed, romantic telephone calls, baffled by an unfamiliar, syrupy-girlish giggle. Later, in adulthood, she herself guarded the secret of a progressive substance addiction, consumed by the dread of discovery.
The Corrosive Weight and Healing Power of Truth
Nicolson distinguishes between the 'good' secrets of Christmas magic and the 'bad', corrosive kind wrapped in guilt and shame. Her family story was, she says, 'suffused with secrecy'. Her personal turning point came only when she finally confessed her struggle with alcoholism to a trusted person, beginning her journey to wellness through the 'transformative effect of the well-placed confession'.
Driven by a quest to understand the roots of her mother's unhappiness, Nicolson immersed herself in post-war Britain. She discovered the work of 1950s London gynaecologist Joan Malleson, who provided a rare sympathetic ear for young women, recording counselling sessions where they confided emotional and physical troubles. Listening to these tapes, Nicolson heard the voices of women her mother's age gradually gain confidence as they spoke, confirming how released secrets can bring healing.
A Universal Need to Confide
Her research expanded, and she was entrusted with dozens of women's tales spanning infidelity, incest, prejudice, secret love, abuse, and DNA-test revelations. Across a huge range of ages and backgrounds, not a single person expressed regret at sharing their decade or century-held secrets. Instead, they reported feeling relieved, lighter, and happier.
With psychologists estimating that most people keep an average of thirteen secrets at any one time, Nicolson's work highlights a universal tension. We yearn for the 'willing suspension of disbelief' found in childhood tales of Father Christmas or Peter Pan, yet adulthood burdens us with truths we fear to share.
Her festive suggestion? If you are puzzling over your present list in the coming days, consider finding someone you trust and exchange a secret. The experience, she proposes, might be the best gift you ever give or receive. Just remember, some magic should endure: not a word to anyone about Father Christmas. He must remain the best-kept secret of all.
Juliet Nicolson’s most recent book is The Book of Revelations, Woman and Their Secrets from the 1950s to the Present Day, published by Chatto & Windus for £22.00.
