By her mid-30s, the fear of wasting time on someone who would never commit grew louder each birthday. After years of one-sided commitment, revisiting Chappell Roan's hit 'Casual' finally gave a woman the reality check she needed to ditch dead-end relationships.
The Fantasy of Commitment
She had been on the phone for two and a half hours, speaking about hypothetical children to a man who explicitly said he did not want a relationship. Yet he also said things like: 'I told my mum about you. She wants to meet you.' Those comments fueled dreams of a future together: an apartment, meeting friends, a commitment. That fantasy mirrors the one Chappell Roan imagines in her 2022 song 'Casual'.
When she first heard 'Casual', she was in a committed relationship and could not relate to its sense of unrequited yearning. Two years later, single and back on dating apps, she kept finding herself in confusingly ambiguous relationships. Partners would offer toothbrushes, keep clothes at each other's places, visit garden centres, and give favourite books. They would say how well she would get on with their sister.
The Dopamine Rollercoaster
The fantasy made it intoxicating—imagining what could be instead of what was. For months, she rode a dopamine rollercoaster that soared when the fantasy was fueled, then fell rapidly when reality hit: three-week reply times, accidental nudes meant for someone else, or Instagram photos with another girl. She did not believe the ambiguity was intentional or malicious; everyone craves connection, and it was easy to get carried away by the idea that this could be 'The One'.
In her mid-30s, the fear of wasting time on someone who would never commit grew louder. She found herself knee-deep in another undefined romance, this time long-distance. Her sister asked: 'Do you really want to wake up in two years and find you’re still in a long-distance situationship with someone who’s unwilling to commit?' She was not sure. She had found chemistry and connection—wasn't that what everyone ultimately looks for? Why did she need commitment to feel safe?
The Reality Check
That night, on her walk home, 'Casual' started playing in her headphones. She heard the song for what felt like the first time. As Roan sang 'I hate that I let this drag on so long, now I hate myself. Hate that I let this drag on so long, you can go to hell', she heard the anger, humiliation, and self-abandonment—and realised she had buried those same emotions. By falling in love with the possibility of someone, she had forgotten to pay attention to the reality of who they were. She had responded to their gestures and ignored their words. Somewhere along the way, she lost sight of what she actually wanted.
The next day, she asked her latest 'situationship' the question: would this ever become something more? That relationship ended because of that conversation, and she has not been in one since. Now, when she dates someone and they say 'We’re not together', she listens to them—rather than getting swept up in a fantastical future involving Sadie, Leo, and a house in the country.
