The Simple Life on Tour
It was an early morning somewhere north of Brighton, with low sun glinting off wet tarmac. Guardian columnist Tim Dowling found himself in a coffee shop adjacent to a petrol station, reflecting on the completed middle leg of his band's autumn tour. Having spent the night in a Travelodge, he was preparing for his journey home, but first needed coffee.
The brief interaction at the counter became a moment of mild humiliation when the staff member used his name repeatedly. Tim confessed to finding this deliberately belittling, even when no offence was intended. He admitted to engaging in the same behaviour when meeting fellow Tims, noting there's "no honour among Tims" when it comes to sharing this particular humiliation.
Returning to Domestic Chaos
Several days later, a cold and rainy morning found Tim back in his own kitchen, drinking a self-made latte while sitting with his middle son. Both were silently working on laptops while holding their feet in the air to avoid being bitten by the family tortoise. Despite offering lettuce as a distraction, the tortoise preferred rampaging between chair legs in search of human flesh.
The domestic chaos continued when Tim's wife entered with the dog following closely at her heels. After shouting at the dog to stop following her, she mentioned dog school lessons that afternoon. When asked about progress, she revealed mixed results - while the dog was attentive and eager to please, she had immediately disembowelled her training toy in front of the entire class.
The Reality of Home Life
As Tim contemplated having a bath to help acclimatise to home life after four days back, he discovered a hairy stump on the floor - identified as Monkey's arm, the amputated toy of a friend's dog after an encounter with their own pet. The dog subsequently picked up the toy limb and walked out of the room.
The domestic absurdity reached its peak when Tim went to run a bath and noticed a scaffolder staring through the window, a piece of metal raised in his hand. After retreating from the bathroom, Tim discovered the scaffolders had been working all morning, something he'd completely missed in his home adjustment period.
Retreating to his office shed, Tim reflected on how much simpler life had been back at the Travelodge and the coffee shop across the car park where everybody knew his name - albeit in that mildly humiliating way that only fellow Tims would understand.
