Meg, 35, had only ever had sex with men before meeting Jess. In a previous relationship with a man and mother of two, she felt completely disconnected from her body during sex, often closing her eyes and replaying lesbian porn to orgasm. Sex felt like something to get through. With Jess, she felt desire for the first time, instead of being the object of someone else's.
First kiss and a new beginning
Jess's Tinder profile said: 'Smilier in real life, only in the area for three weeks.' Meg had never kissed a woman before and had blown up her whole life to come out. When they kissed, Meg's knees buckled, and Jess called her Bambi – a nickname that stuck. Meg rushed home and masturbated while thinking about Jess, then immediately told her about it.
Learning to be present
Meg spent the first six months of their relationship getting out of her head and into her body. She had spent years visualising having sex with a woman and had to learn to orgasm without the internal screen she relied on. Jess was patient, able to read Meg from the inside out. Once, noticing Meg's mind drifting, Jess said: 'Stick with it.' Meg came immediately.
Jess, a butch top, gets pleasure from Meg's pleasure and prides herself on taking care of Meg and her kids. This is difficult for Meg to accept sometimes because she has always been in charge. Part of her feels she doesn't deserve to be taken care of, but handing over control to Jess is freeing. Meg loves how visibly lesbian they are as a butch-femme couple and how Jess talks to her kids – like they're proper humans whose questions deserve serious answers.
Living together and future worries
They moved in together recently. The pressure got to Meg, and she cried during sex, wondering if they will still lose entire mornings in bed to mind-blowing sex when real-life stuff needs managing. Jess is helping Meg learn to relax – in bed and to walk away when she needs to without feeling guilty. One of the kids rolled her eyes and said: 'Ugh! All you guys do is talk and kiss.' Meg is excited to take Jess for granted, to do life together, even the mundane things.
Jess's perspective
Jess, 35, says Meg desires her so openly that it feels liberating. Jess knew from early on that Meg was the woman she'd be with forever. But she knew Meg had never dated a woman before, and there was a weight to that. Jess hoped she wouldn't give Meg a bad first experience. She didn't realise until later that Meg hadn't kissed anyone but her husband in 12 years. Meg was confident and Jess nervous, but with their first kiss, the tables turned – suddenly Jess was on safe ground.
It was a big deal for both. It wasn't just about sleeping with a woman – Meg had changed her whole life and there was no going back. She had to learn how to enjoy the entire process of sex, not just rush to orgasm. Watching her experience desire for the first time was truly incredible for Jess. Seeing her discover what she likes and what she is capable of felt like a privilege.
Being a butch top
Being a butch top isn't about control for Jess. If anything, it's the opposite. She sees it as her job to take care of Meg in every way: practically, emotionally, and sexually. She takes the bins out, gives her reassurance, and makes her come. But it's more selfish than it sounds – her pleasure comes from giving Meg pleasure and looking after her, even though Meg doesn't need her to.
The move has been stressful, but as a couple they have been incredibly steady, so Jess isn't worried. They have a solid core that comes from being so sure about each other. Jess grew up in a small fishing town, and although she is proudly butch, in her younger years she questioned how conventionally attractive she was. But Meg desires her so openly that it feels liberating. Meg tells her how much she fancies her and makes her feel so entirely loved. Jess never feels like too much.
Jess says it's the best relationship she's ever had – and she hopes it's the last.
