A parent with two children, aged eight and four, is concerned about their eight-year-old's education. The child is very bright, doing year 6 maths in year 3 at a state school with large classes and limited resources. The parent challenges her with fun maths at home but cannot afford private tutors that other local parents use to prepare for grammar school entry. The local state secondaries do not have good results, leading to fears that their children will be penalised and stuck in a cycle of not fulfilling their potential.
The parent was diagnosed with dyslexia in their 20s after underachieving and disciplinary issues at school, and worries about projecting their own baggage onto their children. They feel sad and hopeless about the unfairness in the education system, where the rich outrun the poor, and wonder if there is any point in trying for something better.
Psychotherapist's Perspective on Projection
UKCP registered psychotherapist Sarah Kane suggests the parent may be trying to correct the imbalance they felt in their own childhood. “I imagine you felt alienation and shame when you were punished unfairly at school, perhaps even labelled as a disobedient or defiant child. That feels very unfair. But the big difference is that your children have you. The lack of support you suffered may be feeding into your need to offer maximum support now.”
Kane advises separating one's own needs, fears, and wants from those of children, which are often very different. She asks what was happening for the parent at the age their daughter is now, as buried things can be reactivated. She also questions who the maths challenges are fun for: “Do you find them fun but feel under pressure to do them? If so you may be removing all the fun for both of you.”
Maximising Language and Anxiety
Kane points out the parent uses “maximising language, such as ‘we will be stuck’; ‘not fulfilling potential’; ‘the rich will always outrun the poor’. When you respond to a situation with maximising language, it can seem futile, insurmountable. Plus, using ‘what if’ statements tends to create anxiety. Rather try using ‘what is’ statements. And what is happening is that your child is bright and you enjoy helping her with learning. There’s so much more to be gained from school than just education. It’s where children learn about making friends, negotiating their needs, playing and socialising as well.”
Avoiding Imbalances and Splitting
Kane noticed a theme of “imbalances and extremes in your letter: no support v maximum support; no attention v maximum attention; failure v success”. She also warns against “splitting” children or labelling them by saying one is bright. “You could be recreating the unfair system within your own family,” said Kane.
The child is only eight and the whole world is before her. Real learning and development involve failing, curiosity, and discovering who we are. While the world is unfair, the things most people want—love and acceptance for who they are—cannot be bought. The parent's support is invaluable, and the child will not feel the same anxiety as the parent if the parent can ease their own fears.
