A 31-year-old man who has hidden his sexuality for over a decade, laughing along with his friends' homophobic jokes, is finally ready to come out but fears their reaction. After revealing his truth to his parents, who were “amazing” about it, he now faces the daunting task of telling his close-knit school friends, none of whom he knows to be gay.
The Reader's Dilemma
“I recently came out to my parents, and they were amazing about it – especially my mum,” the reader writes. “She said she’d often wondered if I was gay, as although I’m 31 and have had lots of girlfriends, I’ve never really had a serious relationship and don’t have an issue being single.” He has been attracted to men since his teens and has had several secret flings with men met in gay clubs or on websites, but he kept hoping it was a passing phase. “I still find sex with men more fulfilling and exciting than I’ve ever felt with women,” he admits.
His friends, all now getting married and having children, think he is unlucky in love and constantly try to set him up. “They mean so much to me, and although I know it’s stupid, I feel like I’m somehow letting them down,” he says. “I’ve joined in with all the homophobic jokes they’ve made over the years, deep down feeling such a fraud. I’d give anything to be straight and live a nice conventional life, but I know that’s just not going to happen.”
Laura Collins's Advice
Counsellor and columnist Laura Collins advises that coming out is almost never as bad as one fears. “It took you over 16 years to come out to your parents, and when you finally did, they surprised you by being totally cool about it. Don’t you think your friends will be the same?” she writes. “Coming out can be a really positive experience to finally be yourself and be authentic with everyone you know.”
She suggests several approaches: sharing the news in writing to give friends time to digest, or confiding in the closest friend first to have backup when telling the rest of the group. “The special people in your life are almost certain to show you support and may even say that, like your mother, they already suspected and were just waiting for you to confirm,” Collins adds.
She warns that some friends may need time to process, but advises reminding them that you are still the same person. In the unlikely event of a negative reaction, “remember it says more about them than it does about you. First reactions aren’t always lasting reactions, so give the dust time to settle before you make decisions about friendships going forward.”
Living Authentically at 31
Collins concludes: “At 31 it’s time to live your life honestly. Imagine a life without pretending – wouldn’t that be great?” She encourages the reader to embrace his authentic self, noting that the relief of no longer hiding can be transformative.
