For many viewers, Michaela Coel's groundbreaking 2020 BBC drama I May Destroy You was a profoundly challenging watch. With the stark statistic that one in four women in Britain has experienced sexual violence, the series held up an unflinching mirror to a pervasive societal issue. For one woman, its impact became deeply personal, transforming from a relatable narrative into a crucial catalyst for confronting her own trauma years later.
A Night Out and a Vast Nothingness
When the series first aired in the summer of 2020, the author had not yet been spiked. Three months later, her own experience began on a second date. She recalls going back to the man's flat, but her memory then dissolves into what she describes as a "vast nothingness".
The following morning, confused and embarrassed by the complete memory loss, she questioned him. When he stated they had had sex—an act she had no recollection of—he appeared offended, as if her amnesia was an accusation. After leaving, her sister suggested she might have been drugged, a notion she initially dismissed. The idea seemed linked to depraved strangers in clubs, not a man she liked in a nice flat.
Her perspective shifted when she remembered a half-empty bottle of wine, leftover from a dinner party, which he had offered to her but did not drink from himself. This detail spurred her into action.
The Police Investigation That Stalled
Within twenty minutes, she was on the phone to the police. Officers arrived at her home within an hour, where she was swabbed and placed her underwear into evidence bags. When asked for the man's details, she hesitated, questioning what would happen to him. The police stated they would arrest him.
Faced with the dramatic and irreversible consequences, and plagued by her own uncertainty, she withheld his name and address. Because she knew him and refused to divulge his information, the investigation was halted. The police explained that without a name, her samples would not be tested, but they would be preserved in case she changed her mind.
She placed the officer's card on her bedroom shelf and, for the next five years, pushed the incident to the back of her mind, burdened by guilt that in protecting one man, she may have sacrificed other potential victims.
Rewatching as Reckoning
This year, a conversation with a friend who had endured a similar ordeal prompted her to rewatch I May Destroy You. She approached it nervously, unsure if it would provide catharsis or reopen old wounds.
During the fifth episode, a scene where the protagonist Arabella is praised for her bravery compelled her to act. She found the old police card and called the non-emergency number 101. The process was murky; no one seemed certain how to proceed after so many years or if her sample still existed.
In a moment of doubt, she searched for the man's name on WhatsApp, finding a profile picture of him holding a baby like a father. The image provoked conflicting feelings: uncertainty about her accusations and anger that he had moved on to a normal, full life.
An Unresolved Case, A Personal Closure
The case now remains in limbo. However, the act of pursuing it—of rewatching Coel's drama and finally asking the difficult questions—provided a form of resolution. While she continues to live with the uncertainty, understanding the complexity of reopening the case and the unlikelihood of her longed-for fantasy of justice served as a full stop.
It marked an end to the guilt and shame that were never rightfully hers to carry. The series' final episode, which shows Arabella navigating different versions of confrontation and reckoning, mirrors the reality that most survivors face: a clear resolution is often elusive. Yet, in taking action, this survivor found her own path towards closure.
In the UK, Rape Crisis offers support on 0808 500 2222 in England and Wales, 0808 801 0302 in Scotland, or 0800 0246 991 in Northern Ireland.
