It's a scenario familiar to countless couples: the initial, all-consuming passion of a new relationship gradually gives way to a quieter, sometimes distant, phase where physical intimacy becomes infrequent or feels like a chore. If you find yourself in what feels like a sexual desert, you are far from alone. Leading relationship experts emphasise that this is a common, often temporary, phase and offer a wealth of practical advice to help navigate back to connection.
Understanding the 'Dry Spell': It's Normal and Often Temporary
Dr. Tammy Nelson, a renowned sex and couples therapist, urges couples not to panic. "Every couple goes through dry spells. It doesn't mean either of you is broken, and is not an indicator that something is 'wrong'," she asserts. This sentiment is echoed by Dr. Laurie Mintz, who explains that the intense 'limerence' stage, characterised by constant physical attraction, naturally lasts between six months and two years before fading.
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh, a social psychologist, points to life's inevitable pressures—demanding careers, raising children, caregiving responsibilities, and health changes—as common factors that impact physical closeness. She suggests that simply reframing this period as a 'season' or 'phase' rather than a 'failure' can provide significant reassurance and reduce pressure on both partners.
Practical Strategies to Rebuild Connection and Desire
Experts agree that reviving intimacy requires intentionality and a shift in perspective. Here are their key, actionable recommendations.
Rethink Your Definitions: Dr. Laurie Mintz highlights a critical linguistic issue. We often use 'sex' and 'intercourse' interchangeably, despite the fact that many women do not orgasm from penetration alone. The term 'foreplay' is problematic as it suggests a mere lead-up. "If we overvalued women's pleasure, we would call foreplay sex, and intercourse post-play," she notes. Broadening what counts as sexual intimacy—to include kissing, touching, and mutual pleasure—is crucial.
Schedule Intimacy and Embrace Responsive Desire: The myth of spontaneous passion can be damaging. Dan Savage, the celebrated sex advice columnist, recommends actively scheduling time for connection. "Block out time, turn off your devices and schedule sex," he advises, noting that planned encounters, common in communities like swingers, often report higher satisfaction. Dr. Mintz encourages leaning into 'responsive desire'—starting a sexual encounter for reasons like wanting to feel closer, rather than waiting to feel 'horny' first.
Communicate Openly and Specifically: Dr. Tammy Nelson points out a common irony: we often talk least about sex with the person we're having it with. She suggests starting conversations with positive, curious questions like, "What did you like about the last time?" or "What would you like more of?" Dr. Nasserzadeh recommends beginning with specific, appreciative statements, such as, "I loved it when you stroked my hair last night."
Overcoming Common Barriers to Intimacy
Address Physical Discomfort: Dr. Mintz issues a vital warning: never ignore pain. "If sex hurts, seek help," she insists, highlighting that pain is a major libido killer and is often linked to medical or hormonal factors, especially during perimenopause. She is a strong advocate for using lubricant to ensure comfort.
Manage Stress and Body Image Concerns: Dr. Orna Guralnik, a clinical psychologist, reminds us that a person's internal state profoundly affects their relationship. Depression or anxiety can strip away the capacity for pleasure. Meanwhile, Dan Savage offers pragmatic advice for body image worries: "If body positivity is failing you, turn off the damn lights." The goal is to meet yourself where you are now, perhaps using lingerie or dim lighting, rather than waiting for perfect confidence.
Create 'Micro-Victories' and Celebrate Progress: After a prolonged dry spell, expecting an instant return to a thriving sex life is unrealistic. Dr. Nasserzadeh champions the celebration of 'mini wins'. "If you touch for five minutes, celebrate it. If you pick an item from the sex menu and both feel good, cheer that," she says. These small, positive experiences build momentum and safety over time.
Ultimately, navigating a sexual dry spell is less about recapturing lost sparks and more about consciously building new forms of connection, communication, and shared pleasure. By applying these expert strategies with patience and kindness towards oneself and one's partner, couples can often find their way to a renewed and satisfying intimate life.
