In a heartfelt letter to leading money educator Vanessa Stoykov, a woman known only as Jo has laid bare the emotional and financial toll of maintaining her family home after a divorce she did not want.
The Burden of a Nearly-Paid Mortgage
Jo retained the family home as part of her divorce settlement after her husband left the marriage for someone else. While the mortgage is almost cleared, a fact many point to as positive, she reveals the real pressure comes from elsewhere. The upkeep of a large property with a big garden is a constant source of stress and expense. Jobs her husband once handled now fall to her, typically meaning hiring professionals and facing a relentless stream of bills.
She works full-time but is now on a single income, feeling financially stretched. Looking ahead, Jo worries about the cost of running a home that is too large, especially as she gets older. Her ex-husband argues she should keep the house for their three children's stability, but Jo notes they are now young adults. Only one, in their twenties, still lives at home; the others have moved on with their lives.
Guilt Versus Financial Reality
Despite the practical concerns, Jo is wrestling with significant guilt. The house is full of memories, and she feels selling would be framed as taking something away from her children. "Choosing myself feels selfish, even though I know it probably shouldn't," she writes, asking Stoykov how to know when it is acceptable to prioritise her own needs.
In her response, Vanessa Stoykov acknowledges the difficulty of Jo's position and reframes the concept of stability. "Stability isn't just about a house. It's also about knowing you can pay your bills, sleep at night, and not feel constantly stretched," she writes. She emphasises that the children, as young adults, do not rely on the physical family home for their sense of security in the way they might have when younger.
Exploring Practical Pathways Forward
Stoykov outlines several clear options for Jo to consider, moving the conversation from emotion to practical financial planning:
- Sell and downsize: Moving to a smaller, more manageable property could free up capital and dramatically reduce ongoing maintenance costs and stress, offering a new form of security.
- Rent out the house and rent elsewhere: This would allow Jo to retain the asset while freeing herself from day-to-day upkeep. The rental income could potentially subsidise her own living costs in a smaller home.
- Stay put only if it financially works: This requires a rigorous audit of all ongoing costs—maintenance, insurance, utilities, and rates—not just the mortgage. If staying means constant financial stress or depleting savings, it is a clear warning sign.
The money expert is unequivocal on one point: keeping the house out of guilt is not a viable financial strategy. "Guilt is a very expensive emotion," Stoykov states, adding that making a decision to protect one's own financial future is sensible, not selfish.
She strongly advises Jo to consult an independent financial adviser to examine her full situation and model the options with clear numbers, which can help manage the emotional weight of the decision. Ultimately, Stoykov reminds Jo that providing stability for her children should not come at the cost of sacrificing her own future financial wellbeing and peace of mind.
