The Daily Star's agony aunt, Jane O'Gorman, has responded to three readers' dilemmas covering a lack of intimacy in a long-term relationship, a partner's distant behaviour after a trip away, and a daughter who appears to be hiding her sexuality.
Rekindling Intimacy in a Long-Term Relationship
A man wrote in explaining that he and his partner have not had full sexual intercourse for many years. He said she will give him manual relief in the shower if he begs, but oral sex is very rare and he knows she hates it. He has considered cheating but has resisted so far, and has also thought about bringing another man into the bedroom to excite her again.
He admitted that they have become too comfortable with each other and said he does not know how much longer he can go on like this.
Jane advised him to talk to his partner away from the bedroom in a mature and controlled way, admitting that he misses the intimacy they once enjoyed. She suggested asking if she is well and encouraging her to open up, while being prepared to listen and not get offended. She recommended suggesting fun activities together, such as walks and date nights, and re-engaging on an emotional level, thinking about the activities they enjoyed when they first met. She concluded that another man in the bedroom is not the answer, and asked whether he has ever asked her what he can do for her.
Doubts After a Partner's Time Away
Another reader described how her boyfriend went to stay with old university friends in Cornwall in August and was gone for weeks. Now he is back and says he is fine but wants time on his own, and he pretends he cannot remember the special things they had planned for next year, including finding a flat, buying furniture, and settling down. She is insulted and upset, suspecting he is using the break as an excuse to get rid of her because he is too cowardly to admit he no longer loves her.
Jane urged her to give her boyfriend all the time and space he needs, noting that the time in Cornwall with old friends may have acted as a wake-up call and made him question the direction his life is going in. She said that if he is playing a game and pretending not to remember their plans to wriggle out of an awkward split, that is shoddy behaviour, but it is up to him. She advised her to get on with living her life to the full, and said that if he does eventually come back and asks for a fresh start, she can see how she feels at the time. Her feeling is that he is already halfway out the door and she cannot rely on him for a future.
A Daughter's Hidden Sexuality
A parent wrote in saying their daughter keeps bringing 'boyfriends' round and pretending she is straight, but they know she is gay. They described the situation as farcical, noting that she brought another man home over the summer who was nice enough but they will never see again, and called it all an act.
Jane advised the parent not to put the girl under pressure by saying anything at all, explaining that they have no way of knowing what is really going on in her life. She said the daughter's sexuality is her business, and she may or may not tell her own story in her own time. In the meantime, she needs to know that they love, accept, and support her, and the parent should be thankful that she is happy to visit them and that she has friends.
Jane O'Gorman is the Daily Star's agony aunt, offering straight-talking advice on issues ranging from bedroom confessions to self-confidence and drug use. Readers can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Jane cannot respond to individual letters, and not all problems will be published.
