Toby Winson was diagnosed with alcoholic liver disease at the age of 25 after noticing that the whites of his eyes had turned yellow. He had been drinking a litre-and-a-half of vodka daily during a seven-year battle with alcohol addiction, and later consumed up to nine litres of strong white cider a day.
The 36-year-old, from Broadstairs in Kent, said his dependency became so severe that he suffered hallucinations and seizures when he tried to quit drinking "cold turkey", leaving him terrified of withdrawal symptoms. One morning, after seeing his eyes had turned a disturbing yellow colour, he realised he was running out of time.
Jaundice and a Hospital Admission
Toby said: "It sent a shiver down my spine, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and had to double take. The whites of my eyes had turned a murky yellow." He added: "I must have already been jaundiced, but I guess that happened over time, so I didn't notice as much. Eventually, and I'll never forget this, I threw what must have been a fifth of a bottle of cider in the bin and called an ambulance. I was rushed to hospital where they told me I had alcoholic liver disease."
Toby, now a journalist, spent a month in hospital where medics battled to save his life. He said: "I had lost all hope and didn't care if I survived or not. Alcohol addiction had made me feel worthless and a burden."
Early Drinking and Hidden Addiction
Toby's relationship with alcohol began when he was 14, after drinking vodka with friends. By the age of 19, he was secretly drinking vodka every evening, often alone and in secret. He said: "I was addicted to the feeling alcohol gave me. It had me in a chokehold, and I couldn't see a way out."
He added: "I allowed it to become a part of my fixed routine and ignored all the warning signs. What I should have done was speak to someone as soon as I started drinking in secret – it could have saved me and my family a huge amount of pain and suffering."
Eventually, he needed alcohol first thing in the morning simply to stop the withdrawal symptoms. For years he hid the extent of his drinking from everyone around him. Toby said: "Addiction teaches you skills that you don't want. It teaches you how to lie, hide things and be deceitful. I would carry toothpaste with me to hide the smell of alcohol, and I was an expert at hiding my empty bottles."
Severe Withdrawal and Family Intervention
His secret was exposed when, aged 21, he abruptly stopped drinking ahead of a medical examination while applying to join the Royal Marines. After years of drinking heavily around the clock, he suffered life-threatening withdrawal symptoms. He said: "For about two days, I was violently ill. I remember throwing up so much that I could barely see. Then, towards the end of the second day, I started seeing things."
He added: "I could see water dripping down the walls and from the ceiling. The carpet became a bed of spiders, and my legs were getting tied up by cobwebs. I genuinely thought I had lost my mind. I ended up running towards traffic in just my trousers because I thought someone was trying to kill me. Eventually I managed to wave down a car that took me to the police station."
He said: "Inevitably, the police called an ambulance straight away as they assumed I was on drugs. After explaining how much I had been drinking and that I had just stopped, they immediately knew what was wrong with me – severe alcohol withdrawal."
The hospital called Toby's parents, who were heartbroken to discover their son was an alcoholic. Doctors later warned them it was too dangerous for him to suddenly stop drinking again because the withdrawal could kill him. Instead, his mum was forced to ration him vodka while he waited for a place at a detox centre. Toby said: "My mum had to give me the thing that was killing me because it was too dangerous for me to stop. That's how dangerous alcohol is when you are physically dependent, and that's an example of the awful things my addiction put my family through."
Rock Bottom and Turning Point
By 24, Toby was at rock bottom – unemployed and living alone, with every day revolving around finding enough money to buy alcohol. He switched from vodka to cheap, high-strength white cider because it was more affordable. He said: "There were no sober periods anymore. I was terrified of the withdrawals. At this point I was on benefits, and when that ran out I would have to beg or sell stuff – I even sold my fridge-freezer to buy alcohol."
During one relapse, he drank a bottle of hand sanitiser in a hospital toilet and ended up in intensive care. Toby's turning point finally came in August 2016, when he had his last drink. He said: "For such a long time I had been bottling things up, but I had finally started talking openly and honestly – that was the key."
Now approaching 10 years sober, Toby has transformed his life, becoming an award-winning journalist and recovery advocate, presenting documentaries on the topic of alcohol harm for ITV and hosting talks in schools on the subject. He said: "Having an addictive personality is a blessing and a curse. When I put that addictive energy into positive things, I've achieved stuff over the last 10 years that I'm really proud of."
Incredibly, Toby says scans have shown his liver has healed and he has avoided permanent cirrhosis. He added: "Recovery has given me so much. I've been able to repair the relationship with my family, I no longer dwell on the pain I caused them, and I know all they want is for me to be healthy and sober."
