Many of us chase the elusive feeling of being 'enough,' stacking up achievements and personal improvements, only to find the sense of worth they provide is fleeting. This is the core of a poignant question put to advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith, who offers a profound, mortality-focused perspective on constructing a durable sense of self-value.
The Endless Pursuit of 'Enough'
The reader's letter describes a familiar cycle: working hard, changing careers to help others, attending therapy, maintaining fitness, and eating well. Despite hitting goals and building things they are proud of, nothing provides lasting satisfaction. A tiny burst of pride is swiftly replaced by a return to baseline, leaving a constant hum of not being good enough.
This struggle has become deeply entangled with body image. Despite consistent training and healthy eating, shame persists when looking in the mirror, as if failing an invisible test. Compliments from others fail to resonate. The individual intellectually understands the mechanisms of shame and the craving for external validation, but this knowledge doesn't dissolve the feeling, leading to a frustrating cycle of performing "endless autopsies" on their self-esteem.
Why Generic Standards Fail Us
Eleanor Gordon-Smith begins her response by noting how the new year, with its promises of new routines and diets, symbolises the common but flawed approach to proving our worth. We often use our bodies as symbols of achievement and discipline. For many, this becomes like filling a sieve – constantly pouring in evidence of being attractive or productive, yet never feeling fundamentally sufficient.
She proposes an unconventional corrective: looking into the distance at our own mortality. The realities of ageing, loss, and eventual death force a clarifying perspective on what is truly valuable about a person. "What do you want said at your funeral? What will the people who love you miss about you?" she asks. The answer, she contends, will almost certainly not relate to gym attendance, meal prep methods, or waist size.
Finding Value in Your Idiosyncratic Self
The key to building self-worth that genuinely belongs to you, Gordon-Smith argues, lies in shifting measurement. We make a mistake by assessing ourselves on short timelines (daily optimised schedules, hit macros) and against universal standards of appearance and productivity. These are not what we truly cherish in others or in ourselves over the span of a whole life.
Instead, she advises looking through the eyes of those closest to you. Their esteem is based on the "unique combination of things that only you are" – your idiosyncrasies, character, and the individual imprint you leave on their lives. This perspective values the one-off person you are, not your adherence to generic expectations.
Therefore, if building self-esteem in your own eyes is difficult, a powerful exercise is to consider how you would wish to be remembered and missed. This long-view approach can help anchor a sense of worth that isn't perpetually slipping through your fingers, moving the focus from transient goals to the enduring qualities that define you.
