Karla Houston had always known she was attracted to women, but growing up in a strict religious family made it difficult for her to express her sexuality. It wasn't until her 30th birthday, four years into her marriage, that she came out to her husband, Steven, 42.
'I was definitely nervous at first because there's always that fear of being misunderstood or potentially changing the dynamic of your relationship,' says the 34-year-old behavioural analyst from Los Angeles, California. 'His response was “I already knew”. He immediately said he would support me if I wanted to explore or date women separately from our relationship — it was actually his idea.'
Steven, a community social worker, felt relieved by the revelation. 'When she first told me she was bisexual, I actually felt relieved. It meant she was finally able to be fully honest with me, with herself, and with our relationship.'
The couple, who met online in 2016, married in 2017 and welcomed their daughter in 2021. Now, they identify as mono-poly, where one partner is monogamous while the other is polyamorous, with mutual consent. While Steven sometimes struggles with jealousy, the couple claim this setup has only strengthened their marriage.
The prospect of becoming a mother was a turning point for Karla, who decided she couldn't raise someone else unless she was living as the 'most authentic version' of herself. 'Before I'd felt like I couldn't say anything because I'm married,' she explains. 'I thought there was nothing I could really do with these feelings.'
Once she knew she had Steven's support, Karla began exploring her sexuality for the first time, joining bi-affirming, queer-affirming, and poly-affirming Facebook groups. 'Then I started joining dating sites, and I was always open about what dynamic I was coming in with,' adds the mother of one, who identifies as bisexual.
'The first year was hard because I didn't understand how to navigate non-monogamy… There were a lot of hard conversations about how we would make this work, without taking away from our marriage.'
Steven did, and still occasionally does, get jealous when Karla is away with her partners, but this has become less of an issue over time. 'I understand her needs, and because we communicate openly and honestly, there's never been a sense of secrecy or betrayal between us,' he explains. 'I trust her completely.'
On the contrary, Karla's relationships with women have become deeper over the years, escalating from 'casual' flings initially to 'real emotional connections' lasting up to a year. In fact, she admits she's been in love with some of these past girlfriends, a dynamic others can 'struggle to understand… because they assume being married means [her] feelings for anyone else couldn't possibly be genuine.'
In terms of how it plays out within her marriage, Karla continues: 'Steven doesn't have any boundaries, as long as I'm safe and he's getting as much attention as he desires. We've never had a situation where I've had to stop talking to a woman, or it's threatened our relationship. I'm very open about it, but he doesn't ask me questions about the women personally, or anything sexual.'
'That level of openness matters to me more than anything,' says Steven. While he has met some of Karla's dates, her girlfriends have primarily been long-distance, making it difficult for all three to connect in person. Still, these partners have at times become jealous of him, meaning boundaries are a cornerstone.
'In my last relationship, I spent four days living with my husband, and three days with my partner,' Karla says, noting that she typically takes their five-year-old daughter with her if she's away overnight.
The couple have also had to navigate reactions from those around them, specifically some relatives with more traditional religious beliefs. 'I don't let it bother me, I understand not everyone is going to be supportive of how I live my life,' says Karla, who isn't currently in a relationship with a woman but remains open to meeting someone in future.
'Steven's family has been supportive overall. I think like most families, there can be curiosity or moments of trying to understand something that's outside of what people are used to seeing, but at the end of the day they care most about the fact that we have a strong marriage, a healthy family, and that we genuinely support one another.'
Although Steven stresses he has 'no interest in being non-monogamous', Karla says she would fully 'support' him if he ever changed his mind. Steven adds: 'I'm secure in who I am as her husband and confident in the love, respect, and care she has for our marriage and our family.'
