A viral TikTok trend suggests that if your partner looks genuinely shocked when you propose, it could be an uncomfortable sign for your future marriage. London-based content creator Stasya shared this hot take, calling it an uncomfortable truth.
In a video on TikTok, Stasya said: 'In a healthy relationship, a proposal is never really a surprise. The more unexpected the engagement… the more likely it is that the marriage itself will be difficult. In reality, the healthier a relationship is, the more predictable it tends to be.'
Mixed reactions from viewers
The comments poured in, with some users agreeing that while the way their partner proposed may have been a surprise, being asked to commit to a life together certainly was not. Anna, who goes by the handle @lovedrunkpiscesvenus, said she picked the ring and knew her man had bought it — but he ended up actually popping the question spontaneously, in the middle of a concert.
She said: 'It was so spur-of-the-moment… I wouldn't have it any other way. It was very us.' She added: 'He's been asking me tonnes of questions about what I'd like or prefer in both the proposal and the ring.'
But not everyone was convinced by this 'red flag'. Commenter Ann L Justi says she was completely surprised by the proposal she received — but they've still stood the test of time. She wrote: 'It was a few months after we met, but it's a lasting fit. Ten years and still going happily.'
Therapist's advice on surprise proposals
BACP-registered therapist Debbie Kennan tells Metro: 'Surprise your partner with the moment, not the idea.' She adds: 'A healthy couple may have openly discussed marriage and what the future looks like, while keeping the proposal itself a surprise. What would be concerning is if one partner is genuinely shocked because marriage or the future has never been discussed. Both partners should have an understanding that marriage is something they want, even if the timing or location is unexpected.'
Debbie says that this could expose issues around communication styles. She says: 'If one partner makes a major life decision without considering the other's wishes, that may be more concerning than the surprise itself. Both people need to be able to communicate their expectations and whether they genuinely want it.'
How to talk about taking the next step
If you're ready for a ring, it's likely you might be dropping hints to your partner about proposing. But have you ever heard of a 'shut up' ring? It's one thing to receive a surprise proposal, but quite another to be offered a ring because one partner has been urging the other to propose. While it might feel like you've finally got what you wanted, according to Hayley Quinn, dating coach and expert for Match, it's usually 'a fool's errand' to try and get your partner to do something that they don't already want to do.
She previously told Metro: 'First of all, people need to come to their own conclusions about what they want. Secondly, if you feel you're pushing for an outcome, and your partner isn't meeting you halfway, it can send a negative message to your self-esteem. Depending on what stage of your relationship you're at, this could range from expressing marriage as a preference – for example, "of course with the right person I'd love to get married one day" – or it could be having a more explicit conversation around your expectations – "it's important to me to feel, even if we're on slightly different timelines, that we're ultimately heading in the same direction." This level of open communication is the key to a successful relationship.'
The 'upgrade trap' and other red flags
As for other engagement red flags, there's also the 'upgrade trap.' Dr Madeleine Roantree, who's personally seen many clients fall into this trap, describes it as a pattern in which one or both partners use life events to signal growth in the relationship, believing that these events will fix underlying issues or revitalise the connection. No matter how many plasters you tape down, the wound remains.
An 'upgrade trap' can take lots of different forms, from having a baby to buying a house. But one of the most common ways this trend plays out is with a proposal. Dr Roantree explains that for some people, seeking emotional validation can mean they look to ways in which they can 'prove' their relationship is a success. 'It could also be a desire for change, thinking that a life event will bring excitement, new focus and hope,' she continues.
