A reader is weighing whether to reach out to a former friend who told a spectacular lie years ago, leading to the end of their friendship. The reader and a couple of other friends stopped speaking to the woman after the incident, which the reader declines to detail in case the friend recognises herself.
Learning she is lonely
The lie happened a few years ago and everyone has moved on, but the reader recently discovered the woman is living by herself, and a friend of the reader's mother said she seems lonely. This has prompted feelings of guilt, with the reader wondering whether the lie was a sign the friend was feeling "really messed up and desperate" at the time.
The reader does not want to restart a close friendship, believing "that ship has sailed", but is considering whether getting back in contact could make everyone feel better. Her husband thinks she should leave it in the past, but she feels everyone has grown up since then and wants to feel she has done the right thing.
Advice to make the first move
In response, Coleen suggests it is a nice idea and that even if nothing comes of it or the former friend tells her to "sling your hook", she will feel better for letting it go. The initial message should simply say she has been wanting to reconnect to find out how the friend is doing and that she hopes she is OK.
One conversation might be enough for both of them to agree to let bygones be bygones, or they might catch up occasionally or reconnect on social media, without returning to being close friends. Reaching out could make a big difference to the friend if she is feeling stuck, while giving the reader a chance to close that chapter in a better way.
Coleen adds that she has always believed in forgiveness because it frees you from holding on to negativity, bitterness or resentment. It does not mean forgetting what happened or keeping people in your life who have let you down, but it does bring peace. She also notes that making this first move might encourage the other friends to follow.
