Imagine being told that your best friend has committed sexual assault. Do you confront them? Stand by them? Cut ties? When the person accused is someone you know and love, reconciling the allegation with the person you care about can be incredibly difficult. They may have supported you through heartbreak or helped you move house, but sexual violence is often much closer to home than many realise.
One in four women and one in 18 men in England and Wales experience rape or sexual assault after the age of 16. Six in seven rapes against women are committed by someone they know, and many offences are never reported to police.
Why it's so hard to believe
Many perpetrators do not fit the stereotype. "They're often charming and well-liked," explains psychotherapist Dr Skylar Collé, who treats both victims and perpetrators. She adds that many are well-integrated into families, workplaces and friendship groups. "Most men who have committed acts that legally constitute sexual violence do not call it that. There's this profound capacity for self-deception, for reframing, for minimising. They've constructed narratives that protect their self-image."
In other words, perpetrators may convince themselves that what happened was simply "mixed signals", a "drunken mistake" or "not a big deal". That disconnect can leave friends questioning not only the allegation but themselves.
As former Senior Crown Prosecutor Tricia O'Sullivan says, friends rarely see how someone behaves in intimate situations. "There is nothing that family members or friends would necessarily notice because they're simply not in that context. It's like saying someone can't be a thief because they haven't stolen everything they've ever come across."
Should you believe the allegation?
Research shows deliberately false reports of rape are uncommon, accounting for around 2-4% of cases. If someone discloses that your friend has committed sexual violence, experts say it's important to take what they say seriously. "Someone can have been genuinely kind to you and still have caused serious harm to somebody else," says Dr Collé. "Both of those things can be true."
It's also important not to judge based on assumptions about how a survivor "should" behave. Sexual violence often happens in private, leaving no witnesses or physical evidence. Some people may remain in contact with the person who harmed them while processing trauma.
What should you do?
If you decide you believe the allegation, you are not obliged to maintain the friendship, nor do you have to confront your friend if it would feel unsafe. If you do speak to them, Dr Collé advises against seeking an explanation that eases your discomfort. Instead, be honest: "I know what you did, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise."
Bergman from Rape Crisis says friends can challenge abusive behaviour. "When nobody says anything, it can start to look like it's being accepted, even when people privately disagree. Saying something helps make it clear that it's not OK. These are important conversations for friends to have with one another and challenging early could help prevent further harm."
Sexual violence includes pressuring someone into sexual activity, pushing boundaries, targeting someone too intoxicated to consent, sharing intimate images without permission, or making unwanted sexual comments. Even without witnessing anything, push back against concerning attitudes.
Should you report them?
In most circumstances, you are not legally required to report an allegation to police. Different safeguarding obligations apply if children or vulnerable people are involved. Where possible, decisions about reporting should remain with the person harmed. Support them by helping them understand options: reporting to police, contacting Rape Crisis, or seeking specialist support.
If they decide not to report but are comfortable with you making police aware, O'Sullivan says this may create a record. The authorities are unlikely to investigate without the survivor's involvement, but any information could become relevant if further allegations arise.
Should you still be friends?
Whether you remain friends or not, you can encourage them to take steps toward accountability. Recommend professional help or self-reporting, if safe. Only you can decide whether to continue the friendship, but O'Sullivan says weigh your own safety: "For the purposes of keeping yourself safe [especially] as a woman, it's not a good idea to ignore that [and remain friends]."
Learning that someone close to you may have committed sexual violence is deeply unsettling, but how you respond matters. "Where it's safe to do so, letting your friend know that their behaviour isn't OK could help stop the abuse and make sure the person they've harmed can get support," says Bergman. "It may be that your friend initially denies what happened or becomes defensive. But challenging harmful behaviour can help prevent further abuse – and make it clear that respect and consent are everyone's responsibility."
